Calm in Anticipation

Ok, after a week or so of feeling a bit frazzled, I'm back! I went through my spurt of overspending and overeating, then the guilt and discomfort that followed, and now I'm on the other side (for the most part). I feel like, rather than trying to work to prevent these erratic bursts, I need to plan to allow for them to stay in my life (monetarily and physically). It's just a part of my cycle and I can't fight it (right now at least). Now I'm feeling very calm. I feel comfortable in the changes to come and am super excited for some amazing events planned for the next few months (Climbing PoeTree, Krishna Das, Marianne Williamson, and Third Eye Blind!!). I'm so looking forward to the thought of moving to the beach, while also feeling strong in the preparation for Brooke to go on maternity leave. I love working with her, but I feel like I am ready to go off on my own (and save $400 each month that can go toward my new place). I think I will work with her again when she comes back, but I'm planning on limiting it to once a month or something like that. I've been very into the idea of making friends and family members' special days extra special lately. I've been looking up cool gifts for Brooke for her baby as well as for her (for having a baby as well as a thank you for working with me) and I bought tickets to see Marianne with the hopes that it would be Martina's birthday present and we could go together. I came home with gifts on the kids' birthdays and St. Patrick's Day, which I haven't really been into the past few years. I don't want to add to the garbage in the house, so I limited it to candy and money or perfume and stuff like that. I'm also looking forward to getting my Meetup group up and running again. I want to research some topics that would work best along with supporting materials. I'm thinking some podcasts would be a great option so people don't have to spend money and they don't have to read in order to participate. I've been (mildly) incorporating prayer into my morning drives this week. I love the idea of asking for help on staying focused on where you really want to be and how you want to act each day. Listening to Marianne Williamson has been very inspiring as well. As she talks about the Universe, she talks about how it is crazy to say you are going to figure out the world alone instead of asking the Universe for support. The Universe is capable of such amazing things and we are part of that. I've been bumming around the house a lot lately and have been craving some excitement, maybe even just some more time with friends. Maybe that's why I cracked a bit with buying tickets to all these events and spending money on the kids and eating like crazy. Hmmm, wow, that makes so much sense! I'm also on the hunt for a community service project/organization to be a part of. I was a little disappointed with Hunger Helpers, though I am fascinated by that process and am glad I partipated. I'll do more research tonight. Oh, and I'm at Starbucks right now with my new iPad and am loving it. Ok, I guess I don't really have anything exciting to say at the moment, so I'll be back later!

Stretch It Out

The only way to describe this past week is INTENSE!  Close friends and families told me stories of their personal struggles and potential life decisions that could be facing them in the near future and I felt their pain to my core.  It's a new role for me to be the one people go to for moral support.  I feel so honored to have that responsibility and feel like I can truly listen and repond with fairly useful feedback, or at least let them know that I truly am listening.  But, at the same time, I haven't yet mastered the skill of keeping my distance from the situation.  I want to be able to give answers to the problems of the people closest to me in my life.  I know it's not that simple.  And my support as the listening party is not to provide that magic answer that doesn't exist.  I am there as a support and a distanced opinion, and that is all.  I had a hard time this week as I got far too attached to these difficult choices.  I would feel just as stuck as they feel if I were in those situations.  I actually felt stuck just thinking over their situations!  Stuckness and heartache.

It was also a reminder of how complex life can be, no matter how strong you are.  That is the painful and absolutely beautiful part of life.  You will forever be a student, learning how to best handle all the various challenges that come your way.  And, strangely enough, your challenges are my challenges this time around.  I got so sucked up into these stories, in the midst of a short-term sugar addiction (which only intensified as my mind wandered into the minds of the pained).  I became exhausted and stressed and kept eating sugar and kept avoiding the gym.  I felt ill, stomachache and headache to follow.  When my alarm went off Monday morning at 5:15am for the gym, I was not having any of that.  I need one more day to recover!  And that is exactly how it went down.

Then I talked to my best friend who (thank God) had some uplifting news cushioned with spiritual goodness.  We talked about how deep and beautiful and messy life is, how grateful we are for our perspectives and our struggles and our wonderful connections with other people on this earth.  My eyes get puffy and my heart feels warm whenever I think of these conversations and just how lucky I am to be having them.  To be in a place in my life where I can finally look forward and think of the multitude of possibilities more so than the view of my past and why it was so complicated and why I couldn't have anything that anyone else strived for.  I feel like the things I am going to be pushing through in the near future are attainable.  I love love love the word "stretch", which Brooke planted in my mind.  Stay away from "difficult" and "hard" and "painful".  Stretch doesn't make you feel like  you are going to break.  It just means that you are expanding (oh another great word!) to meet the need the world has for your gifts.

My stretching at the moment is looking for an apartment to move into, by myself, by the beach.  Why is this a big step for me?  Because I will be paying all the bills by myself, I will be responsible for taking care of a space entirely alone, I will be stepping away from the child role of residing with family and having someone else decide my next move for me, I will be following through on a desire I've had for almost 10 years, I will have a space that I can finally invite people over to without feeling like they are a disturbance to my roommate (because I won't have one!), I can decorate however I want, I can be as messy or clean as I want, I can have a home for my Meetup group, I can exercise and do yoga, I can make it a spiritual home, I will be at the beach!  I'm very excited, but I'm oddly nervous to tell my brother about the shift.  I do have this feeling that I appear ungrateful for all he has given me and that I am walking away from the relationship we have.  Even though we would still be a phone call and a 20-minute drive away, I have some reservations with talking this out with him at the moment.

In part of my frivolous behavior of the week, I just bought and iPad!!!  I've been wanted one for years and my MacBook just got the "white screen of death".  Though there is still hope for my Mac, I have had my eye on the so conveniently mobile iPad.  And I got the keyboard to go with it.  I am PSYCHED!  I love small things that function as well as big things.  I think I spent a bit too much because of my slips on my budget this month, but I'm pretty sure I'll get over this one.

I volunteered at a food bank last weekend.  I'd been talking about volunteer work for the past 2-3 years and I FINALLY signed up.  It was...interesting.  I was completely fascinated that such a place existed (as I had heard the term "food bank" for years and never really knew what it was) and what a great component it was for society.  I wondered what types of people went there, how they heard about it, how they felt about going, what was the criteria for being allowed to go there...and the list goes on.  I was nervous about walking around with people in need, thinking that some would be embarrassed to have someone helping them with a basic necessity of life and that some would try to get more than the limit of each item in the store. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to succumb to my pushover tendencies and there were no awkward moments walking these people around. It was busy at times, but not overwhelming. I did get a very odd vibe there, though. It was mostly from the people running the project. I felt judged and like I was trying to take over their territory. It was definitely not a collaborative project. I wouldn't be opposed to going back, but I have a little something different in mind. Though I've been a little overwhelmed with life the past week, I've never for a moment stopped thinking about how amazing it is. I love the challenging moments and feel like I can truly handle them, especially with the wonderful supportive and strong and open-minded people I have around me. And that circle is only growing. I love it!

Things I've Been Thinking About (and Marianne Williamson!)

Ohhhh my GOD!! I just bought tickets to see Marianne Williamson!!!!! I have kept an eye out to see Marianne for months now and she had no tour dates to be found (and her last minute event posts were all in CA). But then, yesterday, FB let me know that she is going to be in Red Bank!! In June! Right before my birthday! Whaaaat? I texted Martina immediately and she was psyched too, but not sure if she could go on a Thursday night. I definitely want her to be the one who comes with me, but if that's not possible, I still need to be there. So when I looked up tickets today, I saw that they had four front row seats available...hoooooly shit!!! I need to be there! So I bought two FRONT ROW SEATS to see Marianne Williamson in June. I feel like I'm going to burst I'm so excited. YES!!! I know I've been trying to save money and, between my new iPad and these Marianne tickets, I may have damaged my goal a bit, but these have really allowed me to feel excited again. I'm actually typing on my iPad now, during lunch, with the Bluetooth keyboard I have been talking about for months. I am LOVING IT. I'm happy with my little splurges and feel like they will both allow me to do great things, even if they are just boosts in my spiritual connection. But I've been thinking about SO MANY THINGS this past week. Here are a few things I've been thinking about: I've been thinking about how sometimes you need to see people you love suffer through difficult times in their lives and all you can do is be there to listen I've been thinking about how there is so much of the world and my relationships with friends and family that I was completely ignorant to when I didn't have a voice or know myself or respect myself much at all I've been thinking about how wonderful it will be when I have an apartment of my own, especially if it is by the beach, to fully live my truth and own it I've been thinking about all of the potential community service opportunities I'd love to be a part of - OTM with Seane Corn and working with children, in particular I've been thinking about the idea of creating my own business, which is to support others in creating their own small businesses. It's a scary and exciting time and the foundation of that is conversation and collaboration. I love the process of brainstorming and that is exactly what happens when people are starting small businesses. My only (well, a big only) concern is the lack of knowledge on the financial side, taxes in particular (which I have such a fear of). That's one of my goals at the moment, of doing research on running small businesses. I've been thinking about how awesome my iPad is and how much I can do with it! It sounds so lame that I'm this excited about a piece of technology that eeeeeveryone has, but I just can't help it! It's so damn convenient! I've been thinking about how and why I haven't had sex and how I think it is probably something that I just need to push past the discomfort on. While I do want to meet someone who I truly connect with, which hasn't really happened yet, I still want to experience this part of life sooner rather than later. I also want to be more vocal about it, in safe spaces. I've been thinking about my lack of stability in healthy routines (eating and exercise) and how I can avoid something I love so much. Frustrating! I've been thinking about all that can be done in the world of women's empowerment and how I can't wait to get my Meetup group rolling again, which reminds me, I need to reach out to Maggy I've been thinking about how beautiful Marinn is and how I wasn't very accepting of her attitude of not trying things this year. She's such a great girl and I really just want to be a part of her life in her transition into womanhood. I love her so much and I want to make sure she knows it. I read something on FB today that I love love love. It was a mother writing about her children. "I'm not afraid of who you are". Wooooow, that is too good. That's really the issue with parents. They are afraid that their children will be something other than the "norm" or what they perceive as a model citizen. Accept all that falls outside of the norm because that's really what you're going to get! Allow kids to follow their own path, with just some gently guidance. I know there's plenty more that has crossed my mind this week, but I think this covers enough!