I'm really feeling strong this week.  I've felt a few weaker moments, but I feel like I can hold my chest high.  I talked to Brooke last night and she said we could start working on improv/movement exercises in our in-office sessions.  I'm really excited about that, along with all the other opportunities.  I told my buti teacher that I signed up for the teacher training and she was so excited.  It will be interesting to see how this all evolves.  It's actually already interesting.  I've learned so much the past few months and feel on the brink of learning so much more, so much depth.  I have so much more compassion for myself and others, I have more understanding that I am not a freak for the ways that I feel - I am just figuring out how to make myself function in society with my uniqueness. 

The Annmarie situation opened up a lot of doors for questioning and learning and trusting my support and myself.  One thing I'd like to be more clear on is my values, which I will start breaking down here. 

I'm ready to kill the "good girl" I once was.  I'm ready to be brave.  I'm freaking ready!  Movement is the answer, I know it.  I need to stand tall, I need to walk strong, I need to belieeeeve.  I need to take up space, I need to embrace the spaces in speaking, allowing my words to soak in the minds of my listeners, rather than rushing through sentences to not waste their time or avoid getting cut off.  I can do that.  It's all practice.  I can do that!

I may not be able to prevent all the bad things in the world or make the best choices, but I can absolutely put more good into this world.  I will always do the best with what I know.  That's all I can do and that is surely perfect.

I've been brainstorming all the options I want to explore for my life:
Improv
Voice lessons
Body language research
Self defense classes
CPR/first aid cert
MovNat
BUTI
Breathwork
Life coach training


I also want to write every day.  I want to set up some different exercises to incorporate into my writing, some of them being the questions Christine Hassler puts out in her podcasts, some being the options Brooke has laid out for me.  I want a bit of structure to it all, with room for free thought around it.

I'm going to start writing daily letters to someone I've encountered in the day or ever that I want to speak to but haven't or can't.  This was a Brooke recommendation (though to be done via speech).  I think it will be a great outlet for getting the thoughts and emotions out of my head.

I also want to do the 30 days of gratitude for November without posting it publically.


Ok, let's start!

My Values:
Freedom
Connection (with others, myself, nature, spirituality)
Authenticity
Respect (for self and others)
Growth


I'm sure I'll make adjustments to that list along the way, but I think this is a good start!  I've worked on this with Brooke before, but I can't find that list.  I think it was fairly similar.



What am I grateful for?

Day 1: I am grateful for being able to see all the really tough periods of my life as such opportunities for growth and for being the reason I'm at the level of happiness I'm at today.  I never would have thought it was possible 5 years ago.  The cycles of depression seemed a part of my identity, something I had to accept as fact, something to work around.  But no, that was fortunately not the reality.

Day 2: I am grateful for the most supportive friends I could ever imagine.  They've all transformed in different ways over the years, but it is amazing to know I can be so vulnerable with these people and not have to fear negative consequences. 

Day 3: I am grateful for my sisters-in-law.  It was so beneficial to have strong women so close in my life when my mom was not one at all.  They are inspirations in their own unique ways and they are also great listeners with great feedback.  And they are just fun to be around.  I love them so much.


And
1) TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR...keeping my head held high after overhearing the president of the practice say my name and ask who I was and then whisper about why I didn't respond to say I got an email in error.  I would have normally broken down, but I knew I was able to be strong.
2) TODAY I HELPED SOMEONE BY...laughing over shared pain (from Dana lol)
3) SOMETHING THAT MADE ME HAPPY TODAY WAS...when Dominiquea was super excited when I told her about signing up for buti teacher training
4) TODAY I LEARNED....that people will always surprise you with how their minds are truly working, how the thoughts in their heads could be so so different from what they are showing (e.g., the struggle between strict science and artist that Sonja wrote about and the claim as an introvert by Cynthia)
5) TOMORRROW I WILL...begin doing buti before work!

Move Yo Body

Last night I started watching Ted Talks on communication and confidence.  Much of it was the "fake it til you make it" model, which was pretty motivating because of the woman giving the speech who made her speech very relatable.  She was talking about standing and sitting in power positions to present yourself as someone people respect.  She talked about saying "I don't belong here" when she was given the opportunity to be part of an advanced education after a brain injury took away the "smart girl" persona she once had.  She talked about how she faked it and made it, though it took her much longer than her colleagues.

Another speaker discussed how we tend to stockpile answers when in conversation.  He suggested being spontaneous with your answers and your words.  He gave different exercises to practice with to get to this place of presence.  He mentioned taking an improv class to build this skill set as well.  I really want to do this, or a drama club or voice lessons or toastmasters...something that brings me into another way of thinking and uses my voice.  I need to practice actually speaking.

I was thinking today about how much I soak in the energy of my surroundings.  I was in a kick ass mood this morning, so ready to have confidence with socializing and talking at work.  But whenever I heard someone talking about the Dakota Access Pipeline or Christine talking about the struggles with Brendan and the kids or anything really heavy, I would feel the pain of these people in my chest.  It would feel like a bag of sand laying on top of my lungs.  I have to be careful to keep enough of a boundary that I don't take on other people's pain.  I think I have to be more wary of this because I am so sensitive.  It's tough to figure out the balance because I want to truly hear the people I'm speaking with and feel what they're saying, but I feeling it knocks me off my track and I can't do that. 

One thing that was very clear was that I was completely high from my Zumba class yesterday.  It was the best class I've ever been to and got my so hyped that I went to the reservoir to run a mile after the 90 minute class (in which I walked out with beat red face).  But it helped me so much with my anxiety at work and socializing in that environment.  I did completely crash after lunch time, but it was a good run.  It definitely made me realize how important movement is for me.  I want to take a look at MoveNat as well, mostly because I had a dream about it and I love playing with movement to fully connect with your body and the world around you.

I'm excited that I was guided to start listening to Christine Hassler again.  She reminds me so so much of Brooke, and it's freaking awesome that I can learn from her 30 minute podcasts.

Rising Up

After two weeks of some pretty intense emotional struggle, I'm finally back on the rails and ready to kill it.  I don't know what I would have done without counseling on Friday, but that was seriously my rescue.  I was beating myself up so hard and could not escape that downward spiral.  I'm always more grateful for Brooke than I could ever express.  She wouldn't even entertain my thoughts that I should consider Annmarie's words as truth.  It was so uplifting after speaking through tears with a shaky voice. 

So it got me away from those thoughts that told me I was a failure to women's empowerment.  And now, I'm back in the game.  I have my new laptop so I can actually get back to writing on the daily.  And I just signed up for Buti training in December, which has me pumped to work out more and start eating healthy.  I definitely disagree with some of the ideals of Buti, but its overall design to focus on the tribe of women is enough of a sell for me. 

I listened to a Christine Hassler podcast this morning on the topic of self sabotage.  This topic is HUGE for me.  It completely baffles my mind how I can always put obstacles in my way whenever I start advancing toward my goals.  It's so frustrating that I've kind of stopped making goals.  I haven't proven myself to be accountable to myself, so what's the point?  Well, it's all a change in ideals.

"You're due for an upgrade in your belief system so you stop sabotaging yourself."  Well, ok, yes!  This is how I've gotten through all the other muck in my life.  It's the same thing!  I just need to find and focus on that belief system.

Also, she discussed growing up in a strict household.  Feeling restricted can cause you to rebel, which could be in the form of eating foods that are unhealthy or choosing paths that are not in alignment with who we really are.

"We are always trying to find balance in some way.  When we feel suppressed or constricted or restricted on some level, on another level we are going to try to balance it out by rebelling or engaging in sabotaging behavior.  When we are engaging in risk, we have to look at the origin.  Is it reactive and we just want to engage in risky behavior as an outlet?  Or is it intuitive, coming from a proactive place?"

I love it.  It's just freedom.  Our soul is trying to find its freedom in a world that tries to keep it locked up in a mold.  One thing I was feeling so hard this week was the desire to do something so "out there", something witchy, like writing down negative thoughts and burning them or sitting in the woods at night.  Today I felt like jumping in the freezing ocean.  I didn't do any of those things, but the craving is strong.  I want to be wild.  I want to connect with the elements.  I want to connect with myself. 

But this week has truly brought me back to a place of deep love for myself and those around me and the beauty of it all.  I feel like it's all going to be ok.  I have a desire to feel life because I think it will help me to live on a deeper level, but sometimes I feel on a level that really just causes immense suffering that I can't escape from.  I'm still learning, but I feel supported in the process.

I think something that's been a major factor is that I've felt more responsible lately for my life and the work I put out.  This is great and kind of a new outfit I'm trying on.  The struggle I've been facing is that I take responsibility for other people's pain as well as being a poor example for others.  What if I could have done more?  Why can't I ever know enough to handle problems as they come?  Why am I not bold enough to take a stand and protect myself and those around me?  Well, sometimes, living your life the way you want to is taking that stand.  Yes, mistakes happen.  But that's living.  That's leaning.

Permission

You have the permission to:

• Follow the path you desire even if those you care about don't agree with it and are upset with your choices
• Fail at attaining your goals and then continue moving strong toward new goals or the same goals with a different approach
• Fully claim your life without looking to anyone for approval

You do not have permission to give up.  You do not have permission not to care.  You do not have permission to seek anyone else's approval.

You are a committed, persistent, and dedicated person.  You know exactly what you want and you do not allow any distractions to deter you from that.

Patience

I really almost walked out of work today. Maybe it's my cathartic state of feeling detached emotionally from many around me or just feeling so done with being treated like I'm less than human or a less than human. I didn't though. I'm in a pretty low state. Trying to find a new life and new work under these conditions probably wouldn't help me much. But then again, maybe it's exactly what I need. I'm not quite there yet. I hung out with Kyu after work for an impromptu dinner date. It was nice catching up with her on her Scotland trip and I was able to talk about my accident. It was relaxing and comforting to just sit and chat and eat reasonably healthy food (and wine...and then not so healthy apple pie). I finally emailed the recruiter who reached out to me last week, so let me just ride that where it takes me. One thing I've been noticing this week is my lack of patience with myself. I feel like I'm wasting so much time by having this resistance to moving forward and making decisions for myself. I feel like I could do so much if I could just push past a period of discomfort. But I'm afraid of sustainability, mostly because of my cycling behavior/emotions and self-sabotaging. Maybe turning 30 is messing with my mind a bit. I do have this feeling that I'm not producing enough. I think that's just because I'm not producing where I really want to be. Patience patience patience.

Anger and Light

The angry girl inside me is brewing up a storm. She needs to be heard. She needs to be understood. She needs to be released. Being angry is not being a "good girl". What's a good girl to do when that's inside of her? Lately I've been more irritated than anything and I think it's because I need to yell, I need to shake people to get them to see me as strong and independent and worthy. Do I even see myself as that? I've always been attracted to "mother types". Not having that growing up when I really needed it, especially in a masculine home, I craved that relationship. I loved to be cared for, to be told I was great, to be welcomed. Now I need to be that mother for myself. I need to nurture myself, to love myself unconditionally, to believe in myself. I'm trying to gather wisdom from other women so I can do this. I started eating a large, warm breakfast at home before work in the morning to nourish myself at the beginning of the day. I also started meditating/doing yoga/kundalini/ACIM before work. Yesterday and today I went running, just a mile each day, but was so happy to have gotten off my ass and burn away some of this pain, this depression that makes me feel like I'm wearing a heavy wet blanket. I'm very much looking forward to Sukhdev's course on the lunar woman. I feel like it's going to give me some of the knowledge I'm seeking. And she's just so lovely! It was nice to be able to talk to her via email. I feel very motivated to do some deep work. I don't want fear to control my life leaving me bitter that I didn't live the life I wanted. How do I freaking do this? Well, I'm going to keep doing my morning practices and pray for some guidance and understanding.

Options and Self Care

After a state of desperation, I took the self care I needed to cope (barely at times). I stayed in a hotel close to work, which was so helpful, allowing me more time in the day to meditate, do yoga, relax eating breakfast. After the insanely stressful week, I went to a Russian banya for a few hours on Saturday and had a massage by a giant Russian dude. Then I came home and had a few glasses of wine while watching Orphan Black. That was lovely. I had some more drinks with Brendan later, but they didn't make me feel as nice as the wine. I've really been on the hunt for meaning in my life. In that effort, I've been trying to find the best practice to add to my life: A Course in Miracles, jade egg, Kundalini, Naam yoga, shadow work, meditation, group fitness, pole dancing, some other type of dance. There are so many possibilities. I'm really drawn to the yoni egg and Kundalini, which will incorporate a lot of the other options I listed above (shadow work and meditation). I guess my bigger challenge is that I want to do this with other people and my schedule doesn't really allow for a consistency in participating in a group class. That bothers me a lot sometimes. But I'm going to start learning more about Kundalini now. I love chakra work, I've been wanting to learn about breathing techniques, I'm interested in shadow work, and I want something different. I'll post my research here today as well. I have to talk to Jillian about the jade egg as well What am I doing in this life? Why can't I move past all of these limited beliefs? I'm working in a profession that I have almost no interest in at a job I don't fit in to, I don't have a space of my own which is so important to me, I'm not manifesting my creativity, and I'm not able to stick through with healthy eating and exercise. Ugh, writing that just made my head spin. I want space to be able to nourish myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want a tribe to share these experiences with on a regular basis. Maybe a BeachBody type program for spiritual practice? When I went to red tent a while ago, I remember the host saying that if what you are looking for is not available, maybe that is your calling to create it yourself. As I was thinking about how much I wanted to get away from my job last week, I also thought about how long it had been since a recruiter had reached out to me. And then one did. How crazy is that? Part of me saw it as a great opportunity to get away from where I am and part of me saw it as an opportunity to turn down another accounting job. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND MY TRUTH. I also have a triathlon in 2 months...hmmmmm. That should be interesting.

Have Patience with Me, Please

Tough week... Last Sunday, when I was on my way to see Teresa for breakfast before our LoA meeting, I got into a car accident. Traffic slowed down and I saw a car coming full speed in my rear view mirror. I assumed the car was going to stop or switch lanes and didn't really entertain the thought that it wouldn't. Well, it didn't. The car slammed into the back of my car so hard that my head hit the windshield. I just screamed and screamed and pulled over. I didn't know if I was hurt or where the other car was. I thought the driver kept driving and didn't stop. I had a makeup stick in my hand that smeared on the window and I thought it was blood. I had my windows down and my phone in the pocket of the door. It wasn't there after the crash and I thought it flew out the window and I ran it over. I fumbled around on the passenger seat, knowing it wasn't there. But I was so freaked out and started hysterically crying. I finally stepped out of my car to see if my phone was on the ground. I looked at my bashed in trunk, popped open. I biker rode over to me to see if I was ok. All I said was, "I can't find my phone and I need to call 911". A few seconds later, 3 other men ran over from across the street. I found my phone under my car seat and was clicking buttons with my shaking hands. I was trying to shut off my navigation to I could call 911. As I was typing, one man said he already called 911. That was a relief that I didn't need to deal with that. Another man, who I soon found out was the other driver, was freaked out and kept saying he was an EMT. At first, I thought he was just a passerby stopping to help. He shut off my car for me. I said I hit my head and everyone got nervous and helped us cross the street to sit on the porch of the Army store. The EMT was asking me questions about my head, thanking God that it wasn't worse, and then proceeded to say he didn't know what happened and he didn't know who was at fault. He said his airbag went off and he was going to go to the hospital to make sure he was ok. I was surprised about the airbag and showed a bit of interest, but I really didn't care. I just sat quietly. I was zoning out. I was so shaken up and didn't want to deal with any of this or be around the man who was paying so little attention while driving that he continued to go 50 mph even though he had plenty of time to stop. The police came and started asking me what happened. I explained in a quick few sentences that traffic slowed and the car behind me didn't. Then he asked for my license, registration and insurance. Do I really need to deal with this right now? He asked me where it was and said he would just get it. Thank god. He pulled the documents out of my glove compartment and grabbed my purse off the front seat. I sat on the curb staring into space. I started crying again and the other officer asked me if I was ok. I'm just freaked out and I hit my head. Then I asked him if I should be calling insurance or a tow truck. I had no clue how I was supposed to handle that. Luckily, he said they were already calling a tow and insurance couldn't do anything that day anyway so I could wait to call. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. As I sat there, I texted Teresa that I couldn't meet her and she was very supportive in being shocked and reinforcing my thought to get my head checked out. The officer then asked me if I had someone on the way to pick me up. Ummm...no? Did I have to do that? I was less than two mile away from home. Couldn't I just walk? Guess not. I really didn't want to call Brendan or Christine because I didn't want to cry and I didn't want anyone to be worried, at least not anyone in my family. So I waited to call. The other officer asked the other driver if he had a valid insurance card. He ran to his car and, after a few minutes, handed the cop a crumpled valid insurance card. Man, this guy was a mess. The medics came because the other guy wanted to be checked out. I was unsure if I wanted/needed to be seen, but the cop and other driver told him I hit my head and I went first. They took my blood pressure and pulse and asked me a bunch of questions with no problems. They just told me to be cognizant of symptoms of concussion. One officer grabbed my keys and gave me the business card for where my car was being towed. Later the other officer handed me all my documents with the case number and told me to call the insurance company, give them the case number, and say it wasn't my fault. That made me feel much better to get that validation. I stepped out of the ambulance, grabbed my purse, and called Christine to ask if she could pick me up. My voice trembled as I said I was in an accident. She said she was on her way. I took a seat on the stoop of the army store. I could have sat there all day. The cop asked if my ride was on its way and that they wouldn't leave until it got there. That was extremely comforting. Then the other cop said the other driver wanted to get a few things out of his car: a leaf blower, a shovel, and a weed wacker. They laughed with each other and I just stared at the pile of crap on the grass. I didn't give a shit about anything at that moment. Christine came and I told her what happened. We got home and I went straight to my room to lay down and watch tv. Brendan came up shortly after and asked if I was ok. He got excited by the idea of suing Hyundai and he was making fun of the other driver for being ridiculous. I was zoned out the whole day and had a headache. I wanted to be around everyone, but I didn't want to talk or do anything. I decided to take Monday off work to handle all the insurance stuff and car rental and rest a bit. It wasn't quite the relaxing day I hoped for, but I got all done that I needed to without rushing around. Brendan stayed home too, so was able to drive me to Enterprise. They didn't have any midsize cars, so I was able to drive away in a Nissan Murano SUV, which was great news. I felt ok, just a slight headache and not looking forward to work. On Tuesday, I drove to work, excited to be driving my big car. When I was about halfway there, I saw a car in my rear view mirror speed up to my bumper and I lost it. I cried and cried and tears poured down my face the entire rest of the way to work. I felt fuzzy, but I walked into work. Stephanie pointed to her forehead, signaling the mark on my head. When I told her I was in a car accident, Jim jumped in the conversation. My voice got shaky as I explained. Steve was walking over at this point and waited as I sped through the story. When I was done, Steve went on with his business with Jim and didn't even say anything to me. Shortly after, Rishi came over to my desk and asked me how i was. I gave a brief explanation of what happened, knowing that he wasn't coming over just to ask me how I was. "Yeah, so what's up?" He handed me a post-it of all the things I needed to make sure I had done. Then he asked me to recreate forms from a project from the week prior. Then he asked me if I was ready to present in the afternoon. What??? Zero compassion. I was exhausted, I was pissed. I did all this stupid bullshit and did this fucking presentation. I drove home and stopped at the liquor store to buy wine and chips. SHITTY ASS DAY. On Wednesday, I woke up to meditate and have a nice breakfast at home so I could be as relaxed and recharged as possible before driving to work that day. I was within 20 minutes of work and a car darted out in front of me. I cried even harder than on Tuesday. But I couldn't stop this time, especially thinking about going into work where my boss and his boss give zero fucks about this horrible thing that happened to me. I'm not going. I parked in the CVS parking lot 1 minute down the road from work and texted my boss that I had to take another day off. "Can you call me please?" He had already told all of us that not calling was unprofessional but I didn't care. I couldn't talk in a state like that and I shouldn't have to. I continued to cry and laid down for about an hour before deciding to book a hotel room for the rest of the week. Then I emailed Brooke to see if I could meet her that day instead of Friday, crossing my fingers that she may still have a Wednesday opening to squeeze me in. She said she would try to shuffle some people around and should be able to meet me. I felt so comforted at the thought I could talk to someone like her about my situation. Then I drove to Target to buy clothes, booked my hotel room, grabbed lunch at a pizza place, talked to Martina, and went to my hotel room to get settled before counseling. Aah, great idea. Counseling was so so helpful. It helped to tell someone I was in an accident who actually gave a shit, someone I could cry in front of, and someone who could show me how to find power in this shitty situation. I told her about my resistance to telling my family about my situation and about my frustration with work not really caring. She mentioned how a lot of times work life is a reflection of our life growing up and brings up something we need to work on. For me, that is the masculine environment and being able to bring out the feminine energy and power in both my home life and my work life. I need to claim what I need to nourish myself. I need to be able to tell people what I want and what I need. She encouraged me to use my anger to help me. I felt so clear in my deserving to be given some compassion and some space in this healing process, especially so soon after a really traumatizing experience. She asked me if I thought about quitting. Man, she has no idea now many times that crossed my mind in such a short span of time. I was so so grateful to have been able to have that time, that space. After that, I grabbed a sandwich, a bunch of snacks and water and went back to the hotel. I binge watched Kimmy Schmidt and relaxed in the middle of my king size bed. Thursday morning, I woke up to do a meditation, got ready for work and had plenty of time to have the continental breakfast downstairs. I was so nervous for the inevitable meeting I would be having with my boss to reprimand me for not calling the day before. I walked in and Stephanie asked me if everything was ok. I stumbled, wanting to say yes to be appropriate, but only able to waver with an ehhhh, I'm having a hard time. My voice shook again and she just nodded, understanding and went to sit down at her desk. Then my boss pulled me in to a meeting room and said, "We talked about calling when taking a PTO day". I said that was not an option yesterday. He looked confused and said ok and tried to ask what was up. I said that I was having a really hard time and then started crying. That was so not how I wanted that meeting to go, but I knew it was going to. I was too emotional for a discussion around this accident. I said I wasn't a machine who could come back to work and pump out work after going through something like that. I said that I knew it was hard for him to understand that issues outside of work could make getting work done when that was what was on his mind. But I was having a hard time and that was it. He talked like he understood and asked if there was anything related to work that was bothering me. I said no. He said that if I needed anything or just wanted to go to lunch and talk as friends that would be ok too. I nodded, wanted it all to end, and then it did. I walked back to my desk with swollen eyes, an all too common routine at this job, completely embarrassed from another crying episode with the boss. I worked for a few minutes and then headed to the bathroom for some more crying. Can this end already? I'm so fucking tired and depressed and just want to zone out and do absolutely fucking nothing. I don't want to explain my sadness, I don't want to answer phone calls or emails, I don't want to work on PowerPoint presentations where the straightness of my arrows is critiqued, I don't want to continuously be told that I'm not doing enough. I just want to be left alone for a while!! I sank in my chair the remainder of the day and did my work with a sulking face. My boss came up to me in the afternoon to ask how it was going. I said ok and that what I was working on was nearly done. He said he didn't care about that and asked how I was doing. I was a little caught off guard and said oh...ok. "Hangin in there?" He said with a smile. It was kind of nice, but also kind of the obnoxious phrase that he knows he's supposed to say. I had mixed feelings about it, but at least he was trying to make it look like he cared. The day was torturous again, feeling drained, but I made it to 6 without any major disasters. The sun was kind of shining and I was looking forward to getting in the hot tub, which ended up not being open until Memorial Day. Boo. So I ordered a shitload of food and 3 Thai iced teas (because I couldn't resist) and watched the rest of Kimmy Schmidt. It was so nice to have a few hours to relax alone. I just have to get through 1 more day and then I can plan some mega relaxation for the weekend and then I just have to get through 1 week before Memorial Day weekend. Spa day? Jogging? Yoga? Maybe Kundalini? Nourishing food? Meditation? Something rich, something good for my body and mind. What will it be?

Calm in Anticipation

Ok, after a week or so of feeling a bit frazzled, I'm back! I went through my spurt of overspending and overeating, then the guilt and discomfort that followed, and now I'm on the other side (for the most part). I feel like, rather than trying to work to prevent these erratic bursts, I need to plan to allow for them to stay in my life (monetarily and physically). It's just a part of my cycle and I can't fight it (right now at least). Now I'm feeling very calm. I feel comfortable in the changes to come and am super excited for some amazing events planned for the next few months (Climbing PoeTree, Krishna Das, Marianne Williamson, and Third Eye Blind!!). I'm so looking forward to the thought of moving to the beach, while also feeling strong in the preparation for Brooke to go on maternity leave. I love working with her, but I feel like I am ready to go off on my own (and save $400 each month that can go toward my new place). I think I will work with her again when she comes back, but I'm planning on limiting it to once a month or something like that. I've been very into the idea of making friends and family members' special days extra special lately. I've been looking up cool gifts for Brooke for her baby as well as for her (for having a baby as well as a thank you for working with me) and I bought tickets to see Marianne with the hopes that it would be Martina's birthday present and we could go together. I came home with gifts on the kids' birthdays and St. Patrick's Day, which I haven't really been into the past few years. I don't want to add to the garbage in the house, so I limited it to candy and money or perfume and stuff like that. I'm also looking forward to getting my Meetup group up and running again. I want to research some topics that would work best along with supporting materials. I'm thinking some podcasts would be a great option so people don't have to spend money and they don't have to read in order to participate. I've been (mildly) incorporating prayer into my morning drives this week. I love the idea of asking for help on staying focused on where you really want to be and how you want to act each day. Listening to Marianne Williamson has been very inspiring as well. As she talks about the Universe, she talks about how it is crazy to say you are going to figure out the world alone instead of asking the Universe for support. The Universe is capable of such amazing things and we are part of that. I've been bumming around the house a lot lately and have been craving some excitement, maybe even just some more time with friends. Maybe that's why I cracked a bit with buying tickets to all these events and spending money on the kids and eating like crazy. Hmmm, wow, that makes so much sense! I'm also on the hunt for a community service project/organization to be a part of. I was a little disappointed with Hunger Helpers, though I am fascinated by that process and am glad I partipated. I'll do more research tonight. Oh, and I'm at Starbucks right now with my new iPad and am loving it. Ok, I guess I don't really have anything exciting to say at the moment, so I'll be back later!

Stretch It Out

The only way to describe this past week is INTENSE!  Close friends and families told me stories of their personal struggles and potential life decisions that could be facing them in the near future and I felt their pain to my core.  It's a new role for me to be the one people go to for moral support.  I feel so honored to have that responsibility and feel like I can truly listen and repond with fairly useful feedback, or at least let them know that I truly am listening.  But, at the same time, I haven't yet mastered the skill of keeping my distance from the situation.  I want to be able to give answers to the problems of the people closest to me in my life.  I know it's not that simple.  And my support as the listening party is not to provide that magic answer that doesn't exist.  I am there as a support and a distanced opinion, and that is all.  I had a hard time this week as I got far too attached to these difficult choices.  I would feel just as stuck as they feel if I were in those situations.  I actually felt stuck just thinking over their situations!  Stuckness and heartache.

It was also a reminder of how complex life can be, no matter how strong you are.  That is the painful and absolutely beautiful part of life.  You will forever be a student, learning how to best handle all the various challenges that come your way.  And, strangely enough, your challenges are my challenges this time around.  I got so sucked up into these stories, in the midst of a short-term sugar addiction (which only intensified as my mind wandered into the minds of the pained).  I became exhausted and stressed and kept eating sugar and kept avoiding the gym.  I felt ill, stomachache and headache to follow.  When my alarm went off Monday morning at 5:15am for the gym, I was not having any of that.  I need one more day to recover!  And that is exactly how it went down.

Then I talked to my best friend who (thank God) had some uplifting news cushioned with spiritual goodness.  We talked about how deep and beautiful and messy life is, how grateful we are for our perspectives and our struggles and our wonderful connections with other people on this earth.  My eyes get puffy and my heart feels warm whenever I think of these conversations and just how lucky I am to be having them.  To be in a place in my life where I can finally look forward and think of the multitude of possibilities more so than the view of my past and why it was so complicated and why I couldn't have anything that anyone else strived for.  I feel like the things I am going to be pushing through in the near future are attainable.  I love love love the word "stretch", which Brooke planted in my mind.  Stay away from "difficult" and "hard" and "painful".  Stretch doesn't make you feel like  you are going to break.  It just means that you are expanding (oh another great word!) to meet the need the world has for your gifts.

My stretching at the moment is looking for an apartment to move into, by myself, by the beach.  Why is this a big step for me?  Because I will be paying all the bills by myself, I will be responsible for taking care of a space entirely alone, I will be stepping away from the child role of residing with family and having someone else decide my next move for me, I will be following through on a desire I've had for almost 10 years, I will have a space that I can finally invite people over to without feeling like they are a disturbance to my roommate (because I won't have one!), I can decorate however I want, I can be as messy or clean as I want, I can have a home for my Meetup group, I can exercise and do yoga, I can make it a spiritual home, I will be at the beach!  I'm very excited, but I'm oddly nervous to tell my brother about the shift.  I do have this feeling that I appear ungrateful for all he has given me and that I am walking away from the relationship we have.  Even though we would still be a phone call and a 20-minute drive away, I have some reservations with talking this out with him at the moment.

In part of my frivolous behavior of the week, I just bought and iPad!!!  I've been wanted one for years and my MacBook just got the "white screen of death".  Though there is still hope for my Mac, I have had my eye on the so conveniently mobile iPad.  And I got the keyboard to go with it.  I am PSYCHED!  I love small things that function as well as big things.  I think I spent a bit too much because of my slips on my budget this month, but I'm pretty sure I'll get over this one.

I volunteered at a food bank last weekend.  I'd been talking about volunteer work for the past 2-3 years and I FINALLY signed up.  It was...interesting.  I was completely fascinated that such a place existed (as I had heard the term "food bank" for years and never really knew what it was) and what a great component it was for society.  I wondered what types of people went there, how they heard about it, how they felt about going, what was the criteria for being allowed to go there...and the list goes on.  I was nervous about walking around with people in need, thinking that some would be embarrassed to have someone helping them with a basic necessity of life and that some would try to get more than the limit of each item in the store. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to succumb to my pushover tendencies and there were no awkward moments walking these people around. It was busy at times, but not overwhelming. I did get a very odd vibe there, though. It was mostly from the people running the project. I felt judged and like I was trying to take over their territory. It was definitely not a collaborative project. I wouldn't be opposed to going back, but I have a little something different in mind. Though I've been a little overwhelmed with life the past week, I've never for a moment stopped thinking about how amazing it is. I love the challenging moments and feel like I can truly handle them, especially with the wonderful supportive and strong and open-minded people I have around me. And that circle is only growing. I love it!

Things I've Been Thinking About (and Marianne Williamson!)

Ohhhh my GOD!! I just bought tickets to see Marianne Williamson!!!!! I have kept an eye out to see Marianne for months now and she had no tour dates to be found (and her last minute event posts were all in CA). But then, yesterday, FB let me know that she is going to be in Red Bank!! In June! Right before my birthday! Whaaaat? I texted Martina immediately and she was psyched too, but not sure if she could go on a Thursday night. I definitely want her to be the one who comes with me, but if that's not possible, I still need to be there. So when I looked up tickets today, I saw that they had four front row seats available...hoooooly shit!!! I need to be there! So I bought two FRONT ROW SEATS to see Marianne Williamson in June. I feel like I'm going to burst I'm so excited. YES!!! I know I've been trying to save money and, between my new iPad and these Marianne tickets, I may have damaged my goal a bit, but these have really allowed me to feel excited again. I'm actually typing on my iPad now, during lunch, with the Bluetooth keyboard I have been talking about for months. I am LOVING IT. I'm happy with my little splurges and feel like they will both allow me to do great things, even if they are just boosts in my spiritual connection. But I've been thinking about SO MANY THINGS this past week. Here are a few things I've been thinking about: I've been thinking about how sometimes you need to see people you love suffer through difficult times in their lives and all you can do is be there to listen I've been thinking about how there is so much of the world and my relationships with friends and family that I was completely ignorant to when I didn't have a voice or know myself or respect myself much at all I've been thinking about how wonderful it will be when I have an apartment of my own, especially if it is by the beach, to fully live my truth and own it I've been thinking about all of the potential community service opportunities I'd love to be a part of - OTM with Seane Corn and working with children, in particular I've been thinking about the idea of creating my own business, which is to support others in creating their own small businesses. It's a scary and exciting time and the foundation of that is conversation and collaboration. I love the process of brainstorming and that is exactly what happens when people are starting small businesses. My only (well, a big only) concern is the lack of knowledge on the financial side, taxes in particular (which I have such a fear of). That's one of my goals at the moment, of doing research on running small businesses. I've been thinking about how awesome my iPad is and how much I can do with it! It sounds so lame that I'm this excited about a piece of technology that eeeeeveryone has, but I just can't help it! It's so damn convenient! I've been thinking about how and why I haven't had sex and how I think it is probably something that I just need to push past the discomfort on. While I do want to meet someone who I truly connect with, which hasn't really happened yet, I still want to experience this part of life sooner rather than later. I also want to be more vocal about it, in safe spaces. I've been thinking about my lack of stability in healthy routines (eating and exercise) and how I can avoid something I love so much. Frustrating! I've been thinking about all that can be done in the world of women's empowerment and how I can't wait to get my Meetup group rolling again, which reminds me, I need to reach out to Maggy I've been thinking about how beautiful Marinn is and how I wasn't very accepting of her attitude of not trying things this year. She's such a great girl and I really just want to be a part of her life in her transition into womanhood. I love her so much and I want to make sure she knows it. I read something on FB today that I love love love. It was a mother writing about her children. "I'm not afraid of who you are". Wooooow, that is too good. That's really the issue with parents. They are afraid that their children will be something other than the "norm" or what they perceive as a model citizen. Accept all that falls outside of the norm because that's really what you're going to get! Allow kids to follow their own path, with just some gently guidance. I know there's plenty more that has crossed my mind this week, but I think this covers enough!