The only way to describe this past week is INTENSE! Close friends and families told me stories of their personal struggles and potential life decisions that could be facing them in the near future and I felt their pain to my core. It's a new role for me to be the one people go to for moral support. I feel so honored to have that responsibility and feel like I can truly listen and repond with fairly useful feedback, or at least let them know that I truly am listening. But, at the same time, I haven't yet mastered the skill of keeping my distance from the situation. I want to be able to give answers to the problems of the people closest to me in my life. I know it's not that simple. And my support as the listening party is not to provide that magic answer that doesn't exist. I am there as a support and a distanced opinion, and that is all. I had a hard time this week as I got far too attached to these difficult choices. I would feel just as stuck as they feel if I were in those situations. I actually felt stuck just thinking over their situations! Stuckness and heartache.
It was also a reminder of how complex life can be, no matter how strong you are. That is the painful and absolutely beautiful part of life. You will forever be a student, learning how to best handle all the various challenges that come your way. And, strangely enough, your challenges are my challenges this time around. I got so sucked up into these stories, in the midst of a short-term sugar addiction (which only intensified as my mind wandered into the minds of the pained). I became exhausted and stressed and kept eating sugar and kept avoiding the gym. I felt ill, stomachache and headache to follow. When my alarm went off Monday morning at 5:15am for the gym, I was not having any of that. I need one more day to recover! And that is exactly how it went down.
Then I talked to my best friend who (thank God) had some uplifting news cushioned with spiritual goodness. We talked about how deep and beautiful and messy life is, how grateful we are for our perspectives and our struggles and our wonderful connections with other people on this earth. My eyes get puffy and my heart feels warm whenever I think of these conversations and just how lucky I am to be having them. To be in a place in my life where I can finally look forward and think of the multitude of possibilities more so than the view of my past and why it was so complicated and why I couldn't have anything that anyone else strived for. I feel like the things I am going to be pushing through in the near future are attainable. I love love love the word "stretch", which Brooke planted in my mind. Stay away from "difficult" and "hard" and "painful". Stretch doesn't make you feel like you are going to break. It just means that you are expanding (oh another great word!) to meet the need the world has for your gifts.
My stretching at the moment is looking for an apartment to move into, by myself, by the beach. Why is this a big step for me? Because I will be paying all the bills by myself, I will be responsible for taking care of a space entirely alone, I will be stepping away from the child role of residing with family and having someone else decide my next move for me, I will be following through on a desire I've had for almost 10 years, I will have a space that I can finally invite people over to without feeling like they are a disturbance to my roommate (because I won't have one!), I can decorate however I want, I can be as messy or clean as I want, I can have a home for my Meetup group, I can exercise and do yoga, I can make it a spiritual home, I will be at the beach! I'm very excited, but I'm oddly nervous to tell my brother about the shift. I do have this feeling that I appear ungrateful for all he has given me and that I am walking away from the relationship we have. Even though we would still be a phone call and a 20-minute drive away, I have some reservations with talking this out with him at the moment.
In part of my frivolous behavior of the week, I just bought and iPad!!! I've been wanted one for years and my MacBook just got the "white screen of death". Though there is still hope for my Mac, I have had my eye on the so conveniently mobile iPad. And I got the keyboard to go with it. I am PSYCHED! I love small things that function as well as big things. I think I spent a bit too much because of my slips on my budget this month, but I'm pretty sure I'll get over this one.
I volunteered at a food bank last weekend. I'd been talking about volunteer work for the past 2-3 years and I FINALLY signed up. It was...interesting. I was completely fascinated that such a place existed (as I had heard the term "food bank" for years and never really knew what it was) and what a great component it was for society. I wondered what types of people went there, how they heard about it, how they felt about going, what was the criteria for being allowed to go there...and the list goes on. I was nervous about walking around with people in need, thinking that some would be embarrassed to have someone helping them with a basic necessity of life and that some would try to get more than the limit of each item in the store. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to succumb to my pushover tendencies and there were no awkward moments walking these people around. It was busy at times, but not overwhelming. I did get a very odd vibe there, though. It was mostly from the people running the project. I felt judged and like I was trying to take over their territory. It was definitely not a collaborative project. I wouldn't be opposed to going back, but I have a little something different in mind.
Though I've been a little overwhelmed with life the past week, I've never for a moment stopped thinking about how amazing it is. I love the challenging moments and feel like I can truly handle them, especially with the wonderful supportive and strong and open-minded people I have around me. And that circle is only growing. I love it!
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