Patience

I really almost walked out of work today. Maybe it's my cathartic state of feeling detached emotionally from many around me or just feeling so done with being treated like I'm less than human or a less than human. I didn't though. I'm in a pretty low state. Trying to find a new life and new work under these conditions probably wouldn't help me much. But then again, maybe it's exactly what I need. I'm not quite there yet. I hung out with Kyu after work for an impromptu dinner date. It was nice catching up with her on her Scotland trip and I was able to talk about my accident. It was relaxing and comforting to just sit and chat and eat reasonably healthy food (and wine...and then not so healthy apple pie). I finally emailed the recruiter who reached out to me last week, so let me just ride that where it takes me. One thing I've been noticing this week is my lack of patience with myself. I feel like I'm wasting so much time by having this resistance to moving forward and making decisions for myself. I feel like I could do so much if I could just push past a period of discomfort. But I'm afraid of sustainability, mostly because of my cycling behavior/emotions and self-sabotaging. Maybe turning 30 is messing with my mind a bit. I do have this feeling that I'm not producing enough. I think that's just because I'm not producing where I really want to be. Patience patience patience.

Anger and Light

The angry girl inside me is brewing up a storm. She needs to be heard. She needs to be understood. She needs to be released. Being angry is not being a "good girl". What's a good girl to do when that's inside of her? Lately I've been more irritated than anything and I think it's because I need to yell, I need to shake people to get them to see me as strong and independent and worthy. Do I even see myself as that? I've always been attracted to "mother types". Not having that growing up when I really needed it, especially in a masculine home, I craved that relationship. I loved to be cared for, to be told I was great, to be welcomed. Now I need to be that mother for myself. I need to nurture myself, to love myself unconditionally, to believe in myself. I'm trying to gather wisdom from other women so I can do this. I started eating a large, warm breakfast at home before work in the morning to nourish myself at the beginning of the day. I also started meditating/doing yoga/kundalini/ACIM before work. Yesterday and today I went running, just a mile each day, but was so happy to have gotten off my ass and burn away some of this pain, this depression that makes me feel like I'm wearing a heavy wet blanket. I'm very much looking forward to Sukhdev's course on the lunar woman. I feel like it's going to give me some of the knowledge I'm seeking. And she's just so lovely! It was nice to be able to talk to her via email. I feel very motivated to do some deep work. I don't want fear to control my life leaving me bitter that I didn't live the life I wanted. How do I freaking do this? Well, I'm going to keep doing my morning practices and pray for some guidance and understanding.

Options and Self Care

After a state of desperation, I took the self care I needed to cope (barely at times). I stayed in a hotel close to work, which was so helpful, allowing me more time in the day to meditate, do yoga, relax eating breakfast. After the insanely stressful week, I went to a Russian banya for a few hours on Saturday and had a massage by a giant Russian dude. Then I came home and had a few glasses of wine while watching Orphan Black. That was lovely. I had some more drinks with Brendan later, but they didn't make me feel as nice as the wine. I've really been on the hunt for meaning in my life. In that effort, I've been trying to find the best practice to add to my life: A Course in Miracles, jade egg, Kundalini, Naam yoga, shadow work, meditation, group fitness, pole dancing, some other type of dance. There are so many possibilities. I'm really drawn to the yoni egg and Kundalini, which will incorporate a lot of the other options I listed above (shadow work and meditation). I guess my bigger challenge is that I want to do this with other people and my schedule doesn't really allow for a consistency in participating in a group class. That bothers me a lot sometimes. But I'm going to start learning more about Kundalini now. I love chakra work, I've been wanting to learn about breathing techniques, I'm interested in shadow work, and I want something different. I'll post my research here today as well. I have to talk to Jillian about the jade egg as well What am I doing in this life? Why can't I move past all of these limited beliefs? I'm working in a profession that I have almost no interest in at a job I don't fit in to, I don't have a space of my own which is so important to me, I'm not manifesting my creativity, and I'm not able to stick through with healthy eating and exercise. Ugh, writing that just made my head spin. I want space to be able to nourish myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want a tribe to share these experiences with on a regular basis. Maybe a BeachBody type program for spiritual practice? When I went to red tent a while ago, I remember the host saying that if what you are looking for is not available, maybe that is your calling to create it yourself. As I was thinking about how much I wanted to get away from my job last week, I also thought about how long it had been since a recruiter had reached out to me. And then one did. How crazy is that? Part of me saw it as a great opportunity to get away from where I am and part of me saw it as an opportunity to turn down another accounting job. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND MY TRUTH. I also have a triathlon in 2 months...hmmmmm. That should be interesting.

Have Patience with Me, Please

Tough week... Last Sunday, when I was on my way to see Teresa for breakfast before our LoA meeting, I got into a car accident. Traffic slowed down and I saw a car coming full speed in my rear view mirror. I assumed the car was going to stop or switch lanes and didn't really entertain the thought that it wouldn't. Well, it didn't. The car slammed into the back of my car so hard that my head hit the windshield. I just screamed and screamed and pulled over. I didn't know if I was hurt or where the other car was. I thought the driver kept driving and didn't stop. I had a makeup stick in my hand that smeared on the window and I thought it was blood. I had my windows down and my phone in the pocket of the door. It wasn't there after the crash and I thought it flew out the window and I ran it over. I fumbled around on the passenger seat, knowing it wasn't there. But I was so freaked out and started hysterically crying. I finally stepped out of my car to see if my phone was on the ground. I looked at my bashed in trunk, popped open. I biker rode over to me to see if I was ok. All I said was, "I can't find my phone and I need to call 911". A few seconds later, 3 other men ran over from across the street. I found my phone under my car seat and was clicking buttons with my shaking hands. I was trying to shut off my navigation to I could call 911. As I was typing, one man said he already called 911. That was a relief that I didn't need to deal with that. Another man, who I soon found out was the other driver, was freaked out and kept saying he was an EMT. At first, I thought he was just a passerby stopping to help. He shut off my car for me. I said I hit my head and everyone got nervous and helped us cross the street to sit on the porch of the Army store. The EMT was asking me questions about my head, thanking God that it wasn't worse, and then proceeded to say he didn't know what happened and he didn't know who was at fault. He said his airbag went off and he was going to go to the hospital to make sure he was ok. I was surprised about the airbag and showed a bit of interest, but I really didn't care. I just sat quietly. I was zoning out. I was so shaken up and didn't want to deal with any of this or be around the man who was paying so little attention while driving that he continued to go 50 mph even though he had plenty of time to stop. The police came and started asking me what happened. I explained in a quick few sentences that traffic slowed and the car behind me didn't. Then he asked for my license, registration and insurance. Do I really need to deal with this right now? He asked me where it was and said he would just get it. Thank god. He pulled the documents out of my glove compartment and grabbed my purse off the front seat. I sat on the curb staring into space. I started crying again and the other officer asked me if I was ok. I'm just freaked out and I hit my head. Then I asked him if I should be calling insurance or a tow truck. I had no clue how I was supposed to handle that. Luckily, he said they were already calling a tow and insurance couldn't do anything that day anyway so I could wait to call. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. As I sat there, I texted Teresa that I couldn't meet her and she was very supportive in being shocked and reinforcing my thought to get my head checked out. The officer then asked me if I had someone on the way to pick me up. Ummm...no? Did I have to do that? I was less than two mile away from home. Couldn't I just walk? Guess not. I really didn't want to call Brendan or Christine because I didn't want to cry and I didn't want anyone to be worried, at least not anyone in my family. So I waited to call. The other officer asked the other driver if he had a valid insurance card. He ran to his car and, after a few minutes, handed the cop a crumpled valid insurance card. Man, this guy was a mess. The medics came because the other guy wanted to be checked out. I was unsure if I wanted/needed to be seen, but the cop and other driver told him I hit my head and I went first. They took my blood pressure and pulse and asked me a bunch of questions with no problems. They just told me to be cognizant of symptoms of concussion. One officer grabbed my keys and gave me the business card for where my car was being towed. Later the other officer handed me all my documents with the case number and told me to call the insurance company, give them the case number, and say it wasn't my fault. That made me feel much better to get that validation. I stepped out of the ambulance, grabbed my purse, and called Christine to ask if she could pick me up. My voice trembled as I said I was in an accident. She said she was on her way. I took a seat on the stoop of the army store. I could have sat there all day. The cop asked if my ride was on its way and that they wouldn't leave until it got there. That was extremely comforting. Then the other cop said the other driver wanted to get a few things out of his car: a leaf blower, a shovel, and a weed wacker. They laughed with each other and I just stared at the pile of crap on the grass. I didn't give a shit about anything at that moment. Christine came and I told her what happened. We got home and I went straight to my room to lay down and watch tv. Brendan came up shortly after and asked if I was ok. He got excited by the idea of suing Hyundai and he was making fun of the other driver for being ridiculous. I was zoned out the whole day and had a headache. I wanted to be around everyone, but I didn't want to talk or do anything. I decided to take Monday off work to handle all the insurance stuff and car rental and rest a bit. It wasn't quite the relaxing day I hoped for, but I got all done that I needed to without rushing around. Brendan stayed home too, so was able to drive me to Enterprise. They didn't have any midsize cars, so I was able to drive away in a Nissan Murano SUV, which was great news. I felt ok, just a slight headache and not looking forward to work. On Tuesday, I drove to work, excited to be driving my big car. When I was about halfway there, I saw a car in my rear view mirror speed up to my bumper and I lost it. I cried and cried and tears poured down my face the entire rest of the way to work. I felt fuzzy, but I walked into work. Stephanie pointed to her forehead, signaling the mark on my head. When I told her I was in a car accident, Jim jumped in the conversation. My voice got shaky as I explained. Steve was walking over at this point and waited as I sped through the story. When I was done, Steve went on with his business with Jim and didn't even say anything to me. Shortly after, Rishi came over to my desk and asked me how i was. I gave a brief explanation of what happened, knowing that he wasn't coming over just to ask me how I was. "Yeah, so what's up?" He handed me a post-it of all the things I needed to make sure I had done. Then he asked me to recreate forms from a project from the week prior. Then he asked me if I was ready to present in the afternoon. What??? Zero compassion. I was exhausted, I was pissed. I did all this stupid bullshit and did this fucking presentation. I drove home and stopped at the liquor store to buy wine and chips. SHITTY ASS DAY. On Wednesday, I woke up to meditate and have a nice breakfast at home so I could be as relaxed and recharged as possible before driving to work that day. I was within 20 minutes of work and a car darted out in front of me. I cried even harder than on Tuesday. But I couldn't stop this time, especially thinking about going into work where my boss and his boss give zero fucks about this horrible thing that happened to me. I'm not going. I parked in the CVS parking lot 1 minute down the road from work and texted my boss that I had to take another day off. "Can you call me please?" He had already told all of us that not calling was unprofessional but I didn't care. I couldn't talk in a state like that and I shouldn't have to. I continued to cry and laid down for about an hour before deciding to book a hotel room for the rest of the week. Then I emailed Brooke to see if I could meet her that day instead of Friday, crossing my fingers that she may still have a Wednesday opening to squeeze me in. She said she would try to shuffle some people around and should be able to meet me. I felt so comforted at the thought I could talk to someone like her about my situation. Then I drove to Target to buy clothes, booked my hotel room, grabbed lunch at a pizza place, talked to Martina, and went to my hotel room to get settled before counseling. Aah, great idea. Counseling was so so helpful. It helped to tell someone I was in an accident who actually gave a shit, someone I could cry in front of, and someone who could show me how to find power in this shitty situation. I told her about my resistance to telling my family about my situation and about my frustration with work not really caring. She mentioned how a lot of times work life is a reflection of our life growing up and brings up something we need to work on. For me, that is the masculine environment and being able to bring out the feminine energy and power in both my home life and my work life. I need to claim what I need to nourish myself. I need to be able to tell people what I want and what I need. She encouraged me to use my anger to help me. I felt so clear in my deserving to be given some compassion and some space in this healing process, especially so soon after a really traumatizing experience. She asked me if I thought about quitting. Man, she has no idea now many times that crossed my mind in such a short span of time. I was so so grateful to have been able to have that time, that space. After that, I grabbed a sandwich, a bunch of snacks and water and went back to the hotel. I binge watched Kimmy Schmidt and relaxed in the middle of my king size bed. Thursday morning, I woke up to do a meditation, got ready for work and had plenty of time to have the continental breakfast downstairs. I was so nervous for the inevitable meeting I would be having with my boss to reprimand me for not calling the day before. I walked in and Stephanie asked me if everything was ok. I stumbled, wanting to say yes to be appropriate, but only able to waver with an ehhhh, I'm having a hard time. My voice shook again and she just nodded, understanding and went to sit down at her desk. Then my boss pulled me in to a meeting room and said, "We talked about calling when taking a PTO day". I said that was not an option yesterday. He looked confused and said ok and tried to ask what was up. I said that I was having a really hard time and then started crying. That was so not how I wanted that meeting to go, but I knew it was going to. I was too emotional for a discussion around this accident. I said I wasn't a machine who could come back to work and pump out work after going through something like that. I said that I knew it was hard for him to understand that issues outside of work could make getting work done when that was what was on his mind. But I was having a hard time and that was it. He talked like he understood and asked if there was anything related to work that was bothering me. I said no. He said that if I needed anything or just wanted to go to lunch and talk as friends that would be ok too. I nodded, wanted it all to end, and then it did. I walked back to my desk with swollen eyes, an all too common routine at this job, completely embarrassed from another crying episode with the boss. I worked for a few minutes and then headed to the bathroom for some more crying. Can this end already? I'm so fucking tired and depressed and just want to zone out and do absolutely fucking nothing. I don't want to explain my sadness, I don't want to answer phone calls or emails, I don't want to work on PowerPoint presentations where the straightness of my arrows is critiqued, I don't want to continuously be told that I'm not doing enough. I just want to be left alone for a while!! I sank in my chair the remainder of the day and did my work with a sulking face. My boss came up to me in the afternoon to ask how it was going. I said ok and that what I was working on was nearly done. He said he didn't care about that and asked how I was doing. I was a little caught off guard and said oh...ok. "Hangin in there?" He said with a smile. It was kind of nice, but also kind of the obnoxious phrase that he knows he's supposed to say. I had mixed feelings about it, but at least he was trying to make it look like he cared. The day was torturous again, feeling drained, but I made it to 6 without any major disasters. The sun was kind of shining and I was looking forward to getting in the hot tub, which ended up not being open until Memorial Day. Boo. So I ordered a shitload of food and 3 Thai iced teas (because I couldn't resist) and watched the rest of Kimmy Schmidt. It was so nice to have a few hours to relax alone. I just have to get through 1 more day and then I can plan some mega relaxation for the weekend and then I just have to get through 1 week before Memorial Day weekend. Spa day? Jogging? Yoga? Maybe Kundalini? Nourishing food? Meditation? Something rich, something good for my body and mind. What will it be?