Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve today.  I wanted to do something healthy, like some yoga event, for NYE.  Unfortunately, I've been sick all week.  I'm not too upset, though.  I'm looking forward to some time at home by myself.  Might just watch a movie and some NYE fun on TV.  I'm almost better, so hopefully tomorrow I'll be good to get up and move.  I was thinking about going to Colin's or Brendan's for the day.  I might just do some cleaning today so I can fully enjoy tomorrow.  I would also like to do some reading.

I've been having a rough time with work lately.  I was having some issues with feeling like I needed to do something that was more "me" and get out of this role that has been feeling so wrong.  In thinking about how much time, work, and money could be necessary in order to make that happen, I decided to change my mindset instead.  Maybe if I just focus on what I get enjoyment out of when I'm actually doing my current job.  That would be constantly communicating, walking around and helping people, and staying organized.  I had that in mind the next few days and was feeling pretty good.  But then I met with Rajae and he was telling me that he was looking for a Senior Accountant, the position that he was hoping to put Eva and me in.  He didn't feel we had reached his expectations for our groups and that I didn't have the accounting knowledge necessary.  I knew all of that was true, but it was still harsh to hear.  I explained my situation in terms of accounting knowledge and how it was like my mind was erased after my accelerated MBA program.  He suggested taking a refresher Accounting course or going through with my CPA exam, which the company would pay for (at least some of).  This sounded somewhat appealing after he said it, but after the Christmas break, I had decided against it.  This is not what I want.  The basic courses will not help me to understand the work I'm doing and the CPA exam requires much more than I am willing to put in.  

My focus right now is to be a good leader for my group.  I am going to have more regular meetings and check in with them and make sure there is a fluid communication line and that I am aware of all the issues.  I worked from home today and yesterday because I was sick and had no more vacation time to use.  Rajae said it was find, but in the future he would probably take a half day of PTO when we work from home.  That bothered me so much.  I couldn't focus for the rest of the day and my motivation was gone.  It showed a lack of trust and we also have so little vacation time.  I only work from home when something is really wrong, like snowy roads.  I am just getting very frustrated with this job.  I have to find something to fulfill my life's desires.  But I have to come up with some plans!

Martina sent me a book called "Healing Magic" and we've been talking about it a bit and sharing our dreams.  Though our dreams have been lacking over the holidays lol.  But it was interesting.  I spoke with Martina after my meeting with Rajae and I was on the verge of tears.  I shared what happened with her, which was a scary thing.  That was really where I felt my vulnerability, but I followed through with Brene Brown's advice and shared it with my supportive friend.  I felt really strong for being able to say that out loud.  I can't say I felt a lot better afterwards, but it did help.  Strangely enough, I didn't share it with Dana when I came home.  It just didn't feel right.

But I've really been enjoying the book Martina sent.  I feel like I want to be so much more connected with the environment.  And in meditation and yoga, I definitely have felt that a little bit.  I always loved imagining my groundedness with the earth.  Some of the book is a little more hippie that I'm up for, at least for now.  But overall, I just love it.

Books to read:
The Woman Code - Alisa Vitti
The Soulmate Secret - Arielle Ford
Women, Food, and Desire - Alex Jamieson

Goals:
Find a yoga studio
Eat a healthy diet
Create a regular and fun fitness routine
Pick a race to train for (with a friend)
Start a side business
Create a healthy living website
Start a women's empowerment group (maybe with an artistic and/or community service component)
Travel!
Play tennis
Be more mindful of my friends - send them cards/emails/texts more often
Use more organic foods and products, make environmentally friendly cleaning products
Find a nature group to learn more about trees, plants, animals, etc


Oh yeah, I never wrote about Christmas.  I had a great time and Colin's and Brendan's and then out to dinner for dad's 70th birthday.  I played a lot of tennis with Brendan (indoors and outdoors) and that was just a ton of fun.  I SO want to get into the sport now.  We were lucky with the weather, too.  I had a ton of laughs with the kids and then Brendan and Kristine and some snuggling with the puppy.  It was so hard to leave this time.  Even with the craziness of their house, it always feels like home.  I feel more and more connected to them every time I go over, especially when those visits are close together.

Ok, well I'll write again soon.  I think I'm going to call my dad and then make a trip to Barnes and Noble.

See you in 2015!

 

Difficult Conversation, Support from Friends, and Chakra System

Yesterday was a very interesting and somewhat challenging day.  It was my last day of work before my mini Christmas break and I was actually super productive and got everything done I needed to.  I had a one-on-one with Rajae at the end of the day, which was motivating but also pretty harsh.  I was talking about my role as supervisor and how there was a point where I felt like the group wasn't truly mine.  That was his opportunity to tell me that he and Jeff were looking for a Senior Accountant, the position he had imagined me taking over, because I hadn't managed to take the control of my group that he had expected me to.  He also pointed out how it didn't appear I had a good grasp of accounting.  This was all a bit of a slap in the face, but it was all true what he was saying.  He pulled up a spreadsheet of what he saw the department structure looking like.  It was Raj, Senior Accountant, then me and Eva and Nicole, then four bank rec individuals.  He said that he saw my role as a separate entity and that I was the only one who had a team underneath me.  He listed my responsibilities, which included overseeing the banking area, relationship manager for all of our merchant services, AX implementation individual, and a few others.  It was nice to see it on the screen, but it was hard to shake the blow of not moving into an accounting function.  I told him my experience with going to an accelerated program and feeling like I had my mind erased when I graduated, followed by a few positions that didn't support my accounting knowledge.  He said that that made total sense and that the company would most likely pay for some general accounting classes or some CPA exam expenses.  This was pretty cool to hear.  I was somewhat happy and somewhat freaked out.  I still wasn't sure this was what I wanted.  Should I really do this CPA route again?  Maybe if I understand it better, I'll like the career more.  Maybe I should follow through with it just to find out for sure.  If I got this, it would be a total safety for career stability.  Is it crazy that I'm kind of excited about this?

Well, after the meeting (and even during), I was definitely on the verge of tears.  Lucky for me, I had a planned call with Martina because she remembered her first dream since our dream buddy project began.  She explained her dream and how she could associate almost every part of it with something that was going on in her life.  One topic she brought up was the feelings of failure she would experience every so often in relation to motherhood.  I was so happy to be able to tell her how important it is to do the things that you enjoy and to have time for yourself as a mother.  It's a positive environment for a child and healthy for the mother.  I also told her how I use her as the bar for what a mother should be.  She said, "Aww, Fiona, stop!  You're going to inflate my ego too much!"  Haha, and with that, I replied, "Good!  You deserve it!"

We had such a great connection, better than I think we've ever had throughout our friendship.  It's such an amazing thing.  I told her about my conversation with Rajae.  She said, "Wow, that's great!  I'm so proud of you!"  As difficult as it was to speak what happened in that meeting, it was equally lovely to have this support from my friend.  Then we talked about our great journeys on this spiritual/yogic/herbalist/hippie roads.  We've both had very visceral responses to how amazing we feel as we move forward on these paths.  I brought up the glowing ball of heat in my chest again and she was really excited to be able to tell me that she loved that image and tried to imagine it for herself.  That was very cool to hear.

After talking out loud with Martina, I made a connection that I thought was pretty neat.  So after Brooke brought up the opening of my heart chakra, I was very intrigued thinking about the idea.  I only realized after talking with Martina that I had just recently started exploring this world of assistance from a vocal coach to have a more powerful voice.  It was like I subconsciously knew that my heart chakra was open enough to move onto the throat chakra.  That was awesome to think about!

I was still a little stressed after I hung up the phone, so I bought a few bottles of wine for Christmas (and an extra for myself), ordered Chinese food, and came home to get drunk, eat crappy food, and watch Modern Family.  Ah, drunk on wine is such a nice, fuzzy feeling.  I drank almost the entire bottle by myself.  Damn, that's nuts lol.  But it felt great!  I fell asleep hard and I was super silly when Dana came home.  That wore off fairly quickly after she got off the phone with Chris and it seemed like she was letting him drive in their friendship and then after she seemed judgmental when I was talking about my dad and his view of success.  I got a bit quiet and grumpy and just allowed myself to fall back to sleep in my drunken stupor.

Colin texted to ask if I would sleep over on Christmas Eve because the kids asked if I could.  I couldn't pass that up.  I figured that I could go Christmas Eve through noon on Christmas Day and then head over to Brendan's for the next 2 1/2 days and then head back to Colin's for dad's bday party.
Ok, time to go back to sleep.

Career, Truth, and Motivation

Work
I really gained a lot of clarity yesterday. I needed to muster up a little more strength before going into work yesterday because I was feeling unmotivated and knew I was headed into a day of "fixing" things, mostly things I messed up on or never followed through with. As I drove into work, I turned on my Women Ignite conference and chose Sean Corn's interview. I don't think I was really listening to it in order to connect to her words but more to hear her powerful voice. While she was speaking, I was thinking about the idea that had been racing through my mind for much of the week - Do I really want to be in this job? An accountant? Not that I had never asked myself that before, but on my journey to find my true self, I've been feeling like it was just wrong for me to be where I am, something that I am not truly invested in. I listed the pros and cons in my mind of being where I am.

Pros

• Monetary security - allows me to have the safety of maintaining my necessities of life, while also enjoying the things I like to do outside of work 
• Coworkers - I really enjoy the people I'm surrounded by at work (in and out of the corporate office)
• I've experienced great motivation with working in teams, moving up to supervisor, and receiving a promotion Possibility of building a "career" 
• Structured, stable schedule 

Cons

• I have no connection with the field of Accounting 
• I've been feeling a bit unstable with job security at HL, especially with Dave and Leon gone 
• I might be staying where I am because of my dad (he paid for all my schooling and finds comfort in his life knowing I am secure) 

Monetary security was definitely the part that struck me the most. I don't really need to worry about money with the job I have now. I could definitely stand to pay more attention to what I'm spending, but I don't need to be nervous about paying rent and bills and buying food. I also get to enjoy (in moderation) the things I like to do, like go on trips and experience the arts and try new things. If I switched careers, what would I do? How would I get there? I always come back to Speech Pathology, but that would require too much time and money and dedication to studying, which I don't think I could do at this point in my life. And the other things I have an interest in, like health and fitness, would give me challenges with getting more money, especially at the beginning. I would also have to motivate myself to create a structured schedule, which would not be easy.

So if switching careers wasn't the best option at the moment, how could I find more joy out of where I already am? Well, I have already experience periods of intense motivation at this job. What were the factors that gave me that energy? Connection. I liked to work with my teammates for the betterment of the whole. I liked the confidence I felt when I had a problem that needed fixing or something that needed attention and being able to walk swiftly, with my shoulders back and head high, to the desk of whoever I needed to speak with to get answers. I liked to be on top of my emails and phone calls and to do lists. I liked to be strong enough to allow people to feel comfortable with coming to me for questions and knowing that they will get the help they need. I like to be approachable and a leader that my team can trust. With all of these things in mind, yesterday was a much more confident day at work for me.  

Counseling
My session with Brooke was very motivating yesterday, as it typically is. She was happy and touched to receive a present from me. I told her it was small (an ornament I made), but she was a really important part of my year, so...yeah. I could definitely feel that I was a bit emotionless. I guess because I don't want people to feel like they need to overly thank me for a small gesture or that I care too much.

But I was talking about my week at work, my connection with Dana after she spoke to me about Chris, and Martina's "dream buddy" idea. I talked about how I was overdoing it a bit with the podcasts to the point where I felt I wasn't connecting too much with each story and letting the words sink in. This week I started relistening to the speakers I did connect with fully the first time. She asked me what the concepts were that I connected with. I hesitated because there are a handful of very powerful messages and mindsets that have struck a chord with me. But I came out with "finding your truth". I LOVE that message and it's been an important goal for me the past few months. I haven't been working hard to achieve this, but instead have been allowing a free flow of thinking and following through with things (like the newsletter) without questioning as much what other people will think about my idea. This led Brooke to a creative activity. I think she called it the "lady box". Everything in the box is what the outside world sees you as. Everything outside the box is the characteristics that are part of who you really are, but what others don't see you as.

This was such a great exercise. It was such a clear way of putting to paper what I was really trying to achieve. Brooke was asking me if I was comfortable with the things outside the box and who in my life would be a challenge for me to accept those parts of my true self. Excellent!

I started talking about how I feel physically different on this path of finding my true self than I did before. I have been motivated throughout different periods of my life, but it is so much more than that now. I was saying how I feel like I have this glowing ball of heat in my chest. (I did open up with "this is kinda weird" lol). But that heat just feels like an expanding ball of love. God, I really am a cheeseball! LOL. She pointed out the chakra system and how it was like I was opening up that heart chakra. Wow, I didn't think about that! She's so right! I was so into that idea. It also made me connect to the time when I was so closed off and uncomfortable and had extreme tightness in my chest to the point where I felt like I was having breathing problems (and subsequently had Robbie stick tons of needles in my chest to fix it. I was totally psyched to think about it that way.

I kinda want to get a heart chakra necklace now. Hmmm...

I also mentioned my new habit it talking with my hands and how I spoke with Q about the confidence and clarity that led me to doing that. Brooke gave me the name "Antonin Chekov" who talked about the idea that creating a certain movement with your hands helped to pull the words out of you. I thought that was great, so I will have to look him up.

I still had a lot of energy after counseling (especially after having clear sinuses for the past two days), so I called Dana to see if she wanted to get dinner or go to Edgewater or the city. She already ordered dinner, but was open to going out as well. We ended up staying in, but it was nice. The dogs were over, so we had some takeout, then hot chocolate, and watched "Just Friends" and some of the Royal Opera House version of the Nutcracker (until falling asleep). (That one is my favorite by far. I have to watch it again when I'm not falling asleep. It was the first time in a while that I felt like I could be myself and enjoy the time enough to laugh about my friends and the day with Dana. But it was really cool.  

Newsletter
David just sent me pictures and videos of his family today for the newsletter. I have very rarely heard his name tossed around, so I wasn't even sure who was emailing me when I saw "Dave" in my inbox. But apparently he's married and has two kids. It's crazy to me that I don't know these things. But I will find it all out in the process of doing this newsletter! This gave me an extra boost of excitement for the letter. David said he would take some pictures of his parents over Christmas, too. I was so psyched to hear that because I have the least amount of info and connection about those two. I will have to do another outreach to the family over the next week or so, but I definitely have enough material to get through the first letter. Very cool.  

Food
B: blueberry, pineapple smoothie
L: Subway chicken salad with veggies and oil and vinegar (not overly satisfying)
D: sesame chicken dinner, spring roll (which I didn't order, but they put in the bag and then I wanted one), one dumpling in my soup bc i was too full to eat the rest, 1 beer
S: mint hot chocolate with coconut milk

I splurged with dinner last night. I just really wanted to give in to relaxing and celebrating the week and my happiness and a night in with Dana and the pups and Christmas coming and sinus pressure gone. It just felt right. I'll have to come up with a plan for how I'm going to eat when I'm out with Dana and then Q and Lisa for my lunch and dinner out today. Looking forward to seeing everyone though! That reminds me. Should I be getting something for Q and Lisa for Christmas? I keep thinking about getting picture frames for all of us to stick in the pics of the 3 of us with our scared faces. But I don't think that's something Lisa wants in her house with her hubby now. Sheesh, why is gifting so complicated? Maybe I'll try those homemade ornaments.  

Dreams
Just two quick dreams:

Hawaii - Kristine and I randomly went on a trip to Hawaii and sat my the amazingly beautiful water for the day. I had told Kristine my dream to, spur of the moment, get on a plane and fly somewhere fun. In the dream, I bailed on work and did just that. I think, because she's having a bit of a midlife crisis, she felt like a good person to go with. That would actually be completely awesome. Let's do it! LOL

Moving up to Senior Accountant - Don't really remember much about this, but I remember seeing Rajae pointing out my name on a roster with a smile on his face. It said "Senior Accountant" next to my name. Hmmm, is this really in my subconscious? Interesting. Wow, long post today. But I'm feeling very inspired by my support system and wanted to get it all written down. Aaaah, the weekend.

I shared these dreams with Martina, and I want to post her response to this because I loved it:

Omg that dream sounds AMAZING!! I think that is how we are supposed to live life, not constantly worrying about why you can't go places that you want to go to and having to PLAN everything ugh!! I'm so not the spontaneous type either but I'm just sick of the idea of being bound by things/circumstances.  At first I thought you wrote that that was your cue to LEAVE the profession.  Then I saw the not.  But I was thinking how cool is that, your dream self got a promotion BECAUSE you were true to yourself and did something you really wanted to do without getting bogged down by all the extraneous circumstances!!  Either way, because you did what you wanted, it seems like everyone, even at your job, respected you a bit more!  

Dreams, Relationships, and the Wannabe Hippie Life

Dream: I was on a trip with Chris H and Jason. It seemed like somewhere similar to Atlantic City. We went into a shop that mostly sold liquor but also had some home decor and gift merchandise. We started looking at the beer shelf and a store clerk came over to offer some assistance. We picked up a few of her suggestions. Then she walked over to the other side of the room and got a six pack that was hidden behind a bunch of other beers, saying it was the best one in the shop. We were all excited with our selections and were ready to get rung up. Then she said, "oh one more!". And we followed her to the candle section. She had us smell her favorite candle. Did she really think we wanted to buy candles along with our beer? This was a little weird. Jason did his usual "Ok, great, we'll stick with the beer." I tore the cardboard box for my six pack so was in search of a plastic bag to carry the bottles. And for some reason, Chris was stocking up on these giant cardboard boxes. What the hell was he doing with those? We still had to walk around the boardwalk with all this shit. I'm not sure quite how much significance this dream has, but I was so excited that I actually remembered one that I had to write it down. It's so interesting that I had a dream about Jason and a typical scenario that we would have had in our friendship (a fun day on vacation, looking for alcohol and experiencing a certain level of awkwardness with the locals). Chris Gee broke up with Dana this week and she was telling me about it last night. When she was talking about that relationship, it really took me back to times with Jay. We had such a unique friendship and I do miss it every once in a while. It was so connected and yet so disconnected at the same time. I felt like I could be myself but also avoid difficult conversations and attachment. It was just laid-back and carefree. Now obviously it didn't work out in the long run, but it was such a nice support to have. I weighed myself yesterday and had lost 2 pounds since Monday. That seemed pretty cool to me. I was a little nervous about the work Christmas party and all of the desserts that would be there, but I survived the day! I had a smoothie for breakfast, a subway salad for lunch (actually a healthy one!), some roast beef with rice and salad at the party, a little lemongrass chicken TV dinner at home, and then I had 7 dark chocolate Dove pieces throughout the day (seemed a bit better an option than cake or something at the party at least). I had sinus pressure for the past 2 weeks and have been sooo exhausted. I would be in a fog all day at work and just come home and pass out. I used the netipot yesterday morning and it made a world of difference. I walked with a bounce in my step again and I'm still feeling good! Crazy news yesterday to hear that Dave and Leon would no longer be at the company. After the town hall meeting where Vince said nothing good about finance, we were already feeling a bit unappreciated. I was such a surprise to most of us to find this out. I felt pretty self conscious after that, especially with some mistakes I had made that came up yesterday, that I could be the next one to go. I really don't want to live with a fear of losing my job. This is the first place I felt that and it's not very nice. I keep dreaming about what a life outside of corporate might look like. The only thing is, I need that structure in my life. I couldn't have my own business or anything. But this just doesn't feel right. Hmmm...well, I'll let that simmer for a while and we'll see where it goes. It's hard to be a free spirit in a corporate environment, and I really just want to be a hippie who does yoga, grows her own food, helps the community, loves and is loved, and tries to always figure out how to be a better and stronger person. Is that so much to ask for?? LOL. I'm excited about my motivation to eat healthy again. I think it will make a huge difference in how I feel and how I move towards my goals (loose goals at the moment). I want to look more into hormone health as well and to read Sara Goddfried's book about it. I have a lot of faith in that. Oh! And the reason I started this with a dream! Martina messaged me the other night saying, "Do you want to be my dream buddy?!" I had NO clue what that meant, but it sounded fun and I love Martina so I was about to laugh and give a wholehearted YES. She said it was from a book her herbalist wrote (which she would be sending me for Christmas) where it help you "learn the language of your inner life". You share a dream once or twice a week with a friend to do this, and it also helps to make that friendship stronger. How could I say no to that?? Seems like a ton has happened this week. I'm feeling like I'm on a bit of a roller coaster with my emotions and self-esteem, but counseling today should help! Oh yeah, and when Dana was telling me about the breakup with Chris, I was just feeling bad for not being a support for her during that relationship. I actually don't think I was ready to be that person, but I wish I could have been. I'm glad I could listen to her last night, but I did feel like I was doing the easy work at that point. And I also felt like I was only supporting her OUT of a relationship. That kinda sucks. But I did feel more connected to her again after that conversation. I even stayed up to watch some TV with her and I skipped spinning this morning. My legs hurt anyway!

You Cannot Fail

This has been the most transformational year of my life. My mind has opened up to a tremendous amount of ways of looking at the world and how to function in what can be an extremely stressful environment. I started going to counseling in May and that was the best decision I ever made. Brooke has been my (very sweet and supportive) weekly tour guide through this process. I'd say the most beneficial part is that I am speaking out loud about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. It's amazing the difference between keeping those thoughts (even positive ones) stuck in your head versus saying them out loud. Speaking solidifies those thoughts, especially since communication has been a roadblock for me most of my life. The more I can talk and talk to different people about the same topics, the more I can clarify what I believe, who I am, and what I want. Right before I started counseling, I did a Meditation 101 online conference put together by Ashley Turner. That was life changing! It gave me the hope and confidence that I have control over all of the things that have been holding me back. With practice and belief, we have so much power. I haven't kept up with my meditation practice, but the conference, with its amazingly inspirational speakers, was the best gift I could have asked for. So that was back in May. Now it's December, and I just finished another online conference called "Women Ignite". Wow, and I thought the meditation conference was motivating... These interviews blew my mind with inspiring women. I was absolutely glowing during the 3 days I was listening to all these workshops. The one that stuck with me the most was Alex Jamieson, the woman behind "Supersize Me". The is PHENOMENAL! She spoke about her time as a vegan and the struggle she went through when she discovered that was no longer the healthiest way for her to live her life. It resonated with me so much because it gave me a sense of security in knowing that it's ok to change and to be something other than what you have been labeled as (whether by yourself or by the outside world). You may have people who are not supportive of that transformation, but that is just something that you have to accept. A few weeks ago, I shared with Brooke how every project we did in a session was done on a very basic level during the session. Then I would go home, trash it, and redo it in much detail. She was happy to hear that I was taking those projects home and thinking about them more. Then she acknowledged the issue I was bringing up. I have always been embarrassed of letting people see me during the "figuring out" stages of anything. I always felt like I wasn't creative enough or I was too stupid and it took me too long to think of a good idea. I didn't even realize how much I was actually working on when I shared this with Brooke. I really only brought it up because I wanted to create an open environment for me to bring in this sketchbook where I redid an exercise from an old session. But, man, talking about that issue of mine has blown open the doors for the creative process. And Brooke was really excited about the opportunity to work more on the creative side. She lit up with all of these ideas of things we could start doing with our time together. She said that she didn't think I was ready to open up with the more creative stuff yet and she wanted to give me that time. I don't think I would have ever been ready if I wasn't open with her about my discomfort. I told her that I would still be uncomfortable throughout that process, but that was ok. Another speaker I heard on TED Radio Hour (one of my new favorites) was the author of "Eat, Pray, Love". Funny, because I absolutely hated that movie - I couldn't even finish watching it! I thought it was an overly simplified display of the peace-finding journey. But wow, this woman's message was SO good. One thing that hit me so hard (and even inspired my blog title!) was how not everyone has a passion and that's why she doesn't like to tell people to follow their passions. It is too much pressure to have to follow something that you have to be so interconnected with. She instead said to follow your curiosities. I LOVED THAT! That relieved so much pressure for me. After those two situations (with Brooke and the creative process and following curiosities), my mind has been going crazy with the stream of creative thoughts consistently flowing. I feel like there is no thought to silly to be proud of. I'm not acting on all of the creative ideas that pop into my mind, but it's such a liberating and exciting feeling to know that they are allowed to show themselves to me. One of the ideas that came to me while reading "The Happiness Project" was to create a family newsletter. I was so excited to reconnect with my Irish relatives and bring everyone together in this compilation of pictures and stories and updates and whatever else would be a fun addition. I couldn't sleep thinking about all the possibilities. The whole day at work, all I could think about was leaving work to call my dad and tell him about it. He has been very involved with the historical society and ancestry.com, so I thought this would be right up his ally. Wow, was I wrong! He was instantly enraged with the thoughts of how much he hated the DMs and Facebook and how no one would participate and he wouldn't want to read it anyway. My balloon completely burst. I was so crushed that my first creative expression was dismissed by someone I cared about so much. Since I knew this was something I wanted to do and I knew that I couldn't let my dad sway my opinion (after all the months of working through having feelings of self worth and not doing things just for the gold stars), I took a minute to let my dad finish venting and to get myself together. I said, "Jeez, you really know how to burst a bubble". He just laughed because I think he feels it's a fun, quirky part of his personality to have a temper and strong opinions. Then I said, "I excited about this all day, and you totally just took all the fun out of it". He said "Aww" with a little laugh. Then he tried to ask questions and pretend like he was supportive, but it turned into an uncomfortable conversation. But it didn't matter. I did something that I had never done before, and that was to tell me dad, to his face, that he hurt my feelings. I never wanted to do that before because I don't like other people to feel bad about making me feel bad. But I needed him to know. And, wow, did that ever lead to some feelings of power. I knew I had to do this newsletter, so a few days later, I Facebook messaged my cousins for their email addresses and was greeted with very welcoming responses to my idea. "AHHHH I LOVE IT" from Julieanne and a bunch of "Great idea! *email address to follow*". That was a really uplifting start. Then, a week later, I spent the whole night after work compiling the email with my idea and what I needed from the group to make it happen. *Send* Scary! What if no one responded? Oh well, it was ok! I already did what I needed to do. I put the idea out there and waited to see if the audience was ready for it. I got some responses from Basil and Audrey that were very supported and excited. Audrey was mostly excited to hear from me, I think. Then I got an email from Aubrey and Mary saying how they were so happy to hear from me, but would not be so into the newsletter. That was totally fine. I was so excited to hear from them and to revamp that flow of communication. When I shared my story with Brooke, she said, "I almost feel like I'm going to cry." Then she spoke, with slightly red and swollen eyes, in a way that made me feel like such a strong person, saying how my pushing through vulnerability for something I was drawn to was also creating a space for others to be creative in contemplating newsletter contributions. I couldn't believe that something I did evoked such an intense response from a woman so strong herself. I was just feeling great. I felt like there were no expectations of me and that was empowering me to do great things. I was walking with a bounce in my step, socializing more, and randomly smiling as I sat at my desk at work. How amazing. I also started going to the gym again about a month and a half ago. I do spinning at 5:45am Mon, Wed, Fri. It's been a perfect routine change and has added some extra energy to my life. Strangely, though, I haven't really lost any weight. That's not my goal, but it's usually just a natural side effect to going back to the gym. So, after listening to even more podcasts, I stumbled on an interview with JJ Virgin where she talked about the impacts of sugar and how it sneaks into so many things we never realized it did. I just bought her book last night, especially after a week of feeling so tired that I just came home and slept every day. I'm excited to start Cycle 1 of her diet (maybe tomorrow if I can read enough of the book today). I think tomorrow I'm starting "Cardio Tennis" with Brendan. He asked me if I wanted to do that with him as a Christmas present to me. I was super psyched because I love any opportunity to do anything with my brothers. And a healthy opportunity could not be better. Today I'm going to Philly with Dana for some Christmas fun and to see The Nutcracker. I can't wait. It's become a yearly tradition to see The Nutcracker, and I'm loving that. Year 1 was BAM, year 2 was NYCB, and now we're off to Philly for year 3. I've only been to Philly once, so it'll be great to go back just to see the city. Dana and I have had some bumps in our relationship the past year or 2, so that's still a work in progress. I feel like many life changes for both of us has made it difficult to assess where our friendship stands. But, I believe time will tell how it should continue and I'm just going to go with the flow now. JJ Virgin said to make the following checklists when starting her diet: 3 reasons I want to do the Virgin Diet: 1. To have more energy to be happy and make/reach goals 2. To be healthy and avoid pain and sickness; to feel strong 3. To fit into my clothes comfortably and walk around with greater confidence in how I look and feel 3 costs if I do not do the Virgin Diet: 1. Low energy will continue 2. Mood fluctuations will continue 3. I won't be able to reach my mental goals of moving around with world with purpose and strength I feel ready to take on the challenge of food. I want to be able to add this to my list of "non-negotiables". I know how much of an impact food has on your mind. I have just spent so many years trying to work on this struggle, and have had successful times. But I'm at a different point in my life and I need to figure out what works for me NOW, not 5 years ago. And that I shall do with the support of JJ. And I leave today's blog post with one of the most motivating quotes for me lately: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL? Wow, how powerful is that?