I'm really feeling strong this week.  I've felt a few weaker moments, but I feel like I can hold my chest high.  I talked to Brooke last night and she said we could start working on improv/movement exercises in our in-office sessions.  I'm really excited about that, along with all the other opportunities.  I told my buti teacher that I signed up for the teacher training and she was so excited.  It will be interesting to see how this all evolves.  It's actually already interesting.  I've learned so much the past few months and feel on the brink of learning so much more, so much depth.  I have so much more compassion for myself and others, I have more understanding that I am not a freak for the ways that I feel - I am just figuring out how to make myself function in society with my uniqueness. 

The Annmarie situation opened up a lot of doors for questioning and learning and trusting my support and myself.  One thing I'd like to be more clear on is my values, which I will start breaking down here. 

I'm ready to kill the "good girl" I once was.  I'm ready to be brave.  I'm freaking ready!  Movement is the answer, I know it.  I need to stand tall, I need to walk strong, I need to belieeeeve.  I need to take up space, I need to embrace the spaces in speaking, allowing my words to soak in the minds of my listeners, rather than rushing through sentences to not waste their time or avoid getting cut off.  I can do that.  It's all practice.  I can do that!

I may not be able to prevent all the bad things in the world or make the best choices, but I can absolutely put more good into this world.  I will always do the best with what I know.  That's all I can do and that is surely perfect.

I've been brainstorming all the options I want to explore for my life:
Improv
Voice lessons
Body language research
Self defense classes
CPR/first aid cert
MovNat
BUTI
Breathwork
Life coach training


I also want to write every day.  I want to set up some different exercises to incorporate into my writing, some of them being the questions Christine Hassler puts out in her podcasts, some being the options Brooke has laid out for me.  I want a bit of structure to it all, with room for free thought around it.

I'm going to start writing daily letters to someone I've encountered in the day or ever that I want to speak to but haven't or can't.  This was a Brooke recommendation (though to be done via speech).  I think it will be a great outlet for getting the thoughts and emotions out of my head.

I also want to do the 30 days of gratitude for November without posting it publically.


Ok, let's start!

My Values:
Freedom
Connection (with others, myself, nature, spirituality)
Authenticity
Respect (for self and others)
Growth


I'm sure I'll make adjustments to that list along the way, but I think this is a good start!  I've worked on this with Brooke before, but I can't find that list.  I think it was fairly similar.



What am I grateful for?

Day 1: I am grateful for being able to see all the really tough periods of my life as such opportunities for growth and for being the reason I'm at the level of happiness I'm at today.  I never would have thought it was possible 5 years ago.  The cycles of depression seemed a part of my identity, something I had to accept as fact, something to work around.  But no, that was fortunately not the reality.

Day 2: I am grateful for the most supportive friends I could ever imagine.  They've all transformed in different ways over the years, but it is amazing to know I can be so vulnerable with these people and not have to fear negative consequences. 

Day 3: I am grateful for my sisters-in-law.  It was so beneficial to have strong women so close in my life when my mom was not one at all.  They are inspirations in their own unique ways and they are also great listeners with great feedback.  And they are just fun to be around.  I love them so much.


And
1) TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR...keeping my head held high after overhearing the president of the practice say my name and ask who I was and then whisper about why I didn't respond to say I got an email in error.  I would have normally broken down, but I knew I was able to be strong.
2) TODAY I HELPED SOMEONE BY...laughing over shared pain (from Dana lol)
3) SOMETHING THAT MADE ME HAPPY TODAY WAS...when Dominiquea was super excited when I told her about signing up for buti teacher training
4) TODAY I LEARNED....that people will always surprise you with how their minds are truly working, how the thoughts in their heads could be so so different from what they are showing (e.g., the struggle between strict science and artist that Sonja wrote about and the claim as an introvert by Cynthia)
5) TOMORRROW I WILL...begin doing buti before work!

Move Yo Body

Last night I started watching Ted Talks on communication and confidence.  Much of it was the "fake it til you make it" model, which was pretty motivating because of the woman giving the speech who made her speech very relatable.  She was talking about standing and sitting in power positions to present yourself as someone people respect.  She talked about saying "I don't belong here" when she was given the opportunity to be part of an advanced education after a brain injury took away the "smart girl" persona she once had.  She talked about how she faked it and made it, though it took her much longer than her colleagues.

Another speaker discussed how we tend to stockpile answers when in conversation.  He suggested being spontaneous with your answers and your words.  He gave different exercises to practice with to get to this place of presence.  He mentioned taking an improv class to build this skill set as well.  I really want to do this, or a drama club or voice lessons or toastmasters...something that brings me into another way of thinking and uses my voice.  I need to practice actually speaking.

I was thinking today about how much I soak in the energy of my surroundings.  I was in a kick ass mood this morning, so ready to have confidence with socializing and talking at work.  But whenever I heard someone talking about the Dakota Access Pipeline or Christine talking about the struggles with Brendan and the kids or anything really heavy, I would feel the pain of these people in my chest.  It would feel like a bag of sand laying on top of my lungs.  I have to be careful to keep enough of a boundary that I don't take on other people's pain.  I think I have to be more wary of this because I am so sensitive.  It's tough to figure out the balance because I want to truly hear the people I'm speaking with and feel what they're saying, but I feeling it knocks me off my track and I can't do that. 

One thing that was very clear was that I was completely high from my Zumba class yesterday.  It was the best class I've ever been to and got my so hyped that I went to the reservoir to run a mile after the 90 minute class (in which I walked out with beat red face).  But it helped me so much with my anxiety at work and socializing in that environment.  I did completely crash after lunch time, but it was a good run.  It definitely made me realize how important movement is for me.  I want to take a look at MoveNat as well, mostly because I had a dream about it and I love playing with movement to fully connect with your body and the world around you.

I'm excited that I was guided to start listening to Christine Hassler again.  She reminds me so so much of Brooke, and it's freaking awesome that I can learn from her 30 minute podcasts.

Rising Up

After two weeks of some pretty intense emotional struggle, I'm finally back on the rails and ready to kill it.  I don't know what I would have done without counseling on Friday, but that was seriously my rescue.  I was beating myself up so hard and could not escape that downward spiral.  I'm always more grateful for Brooke than I could ever express.  She wouldn't even entertain my thoughts that I should consider Annmarie's words as truth.  It was so uplifting after speaking through tears with a shaky voice. 

So it got me away from those thoughts that told me I was a failure to women's empowerment.  And now, I'm back in the game.  I have my new laptop so I can actually get back to writing on the daily.  And I just signed up for Buti training in December, which has me pumped to work out more and start eating healthy.  I definitely disagree with some of the ideals of Buti, but its overall design to focus on the tribe of women is enough of a sell for me. 

I listened to a Christine Hassler podcast this morning on the topic of self sabotage.  This topic is HUGE for me.  It completely baffles my mind how I can always put obstacles in my way whenever I start advancing toward my goals.  It's so frustrating that I've kind of stopped making goals.  I haven't proven myself to be accountable to myself, so what's the point?  Well, it's all a change in ideals.

"You're due for an upgrade in your belief system so you stop sabotaging yourself."  Well, ok, yes!  This is how I've gotten through all the other muck in my life.  It's the same thing!  I just need to find and focus on that belief system.

Also, she discussed growing up in a strict household.  Feeling restricted can cause you to rebel, which could be in the form of eating foods that are unhealthy or choosing paths that are not in alignment with who we really are.

"We are always trying to find balance in some way.  When we feel suppressed or constricted or restricted on some level, on another level we are going to try to balance it out by rebelling or engaging in sabotaging behavior.  When we are engaging in risk, we have to look at the origin.  Is it reactive and we just want to engage in risky behavior as an outlet?  Or is it intuitive, coming from a proactive place?"

I love it.  It's just freedom.  Our soul is trying to find its freedom in a world that tries to keep it locked up in a mold.  One thing I was feeling so hard this week was the desire to do something so "out there", something witchy, like writing down negative thoughts and burning them or sitting in the woods at night.  Today I felt like jumping in the freezing ocean.  I didn't do any of those things, but the craving is strong.  I want to be wild.  I want to connect with the elements.  I want to connect with myself. 

But this week has truly brought me back to a place of deep love for myself and those around me and the beauty of it all.  I feel like it's all going to be ok.  I have a desire to feel life because I think it will help me to live on a deeper level, but sometimes I feel on a level that really just causes immense suffering that I can't escape from.  I'm still learning, but I feel supported in the process.

I think something that's been a major factor is that I've felt more responsible lately for my life and the work I put out.  This is great and kind of a new outfit I'm trying on.  The struggle I've been facing is that I take responsibility for other people's pain as well as being a poor example for others.  What if I could have done more?  Why can't I ever know enough to handle problems as they come?  Why am I not bold enough to take a stand and protect myself and those around me?  Well, sometimes, living your life the way you want to is taking that stand.  Yes, mistakes happen.  But that's living.  That's leaning.

Permission

You have the permission to:

• Follow the path you desire even if those you care about don't agree with it and are upset with your choices
• Fail at attaining your goals and then continue moving strong toward new goals or the same goals with a different approach
• Fully claim your life without looking to anyone for approval

You do not have permission to give up.  You do not have permission not to care.  You do not have permission to seek anyone else's approval.

You are a committed, persistent, and dedicated person.  You know exactly what you want and you do not allow any distractions to deter you from that.

Patience

I really almost walked out of work today. Maybe it's my cathartic state of feeling detached emotionally from many around me or just feeling so done with being treated like I'm less than human or a less than human. I didn't though. I'm in a pretty low state. Trying to find a new life and new work under these conditions probably wouldn't help me much. But then again, maybe it's exactly what I need. I'm not quite there yet. I hung out with Kyu after work for an impromptu dinner date. It was nice catching up with her on her Scotland trip and I was able to talk about my accident. It was relaxing and comforting to just sit and chat and eat reasonably healthy food (and wine...and then not so healthy apple pie). I finally emailed the recruiter who reached out to me last week, so let me just ride that where it takes me. One thing I've been noticing this week is my lack of patience with myself. I feel like I'm wasting so much time by having this resistance to moving forward and making decisions for myself. I feel like I could do so much if I could just push past a period of discomfort. But I'm afraid of sustainability, mostly because of my cycling behavior/emotions and self-sabotaging. Maybe turning 30 is messing with my mind a bit. I do have this feeling that I'm not producing enough. I think that's just because I'm not producing where I really want to be. Patience patience patience.

Anger and Light

The angry girl inside me is brewing up a storm. She needs to be heard. She needs to be understood. She needs to be released. Being angry is not being a "good girl". What's a good girl to do when that's inside of her? Lately I've been more irritated than anything and I think it's because I need to yell, I need to shake people to get them to see me as strong and independent and worthy. Do I even see myself as that? I've always been attracted to "mother types". Not having that growing up when I really needed it, especially in a masculine home, I craved that relationship. I loved to be cared for, to be told I was great, to be welcomed. Now I need to be that mother for myself. I need to nurture myself, to love myself unconditionally, to believe in myself. I'm trying to gather wisdom from other women so I can do this. I started eating a large, warm breakfast at home before work in the morning to nourish myself at the beginning of the day. I also started meditating/doing yoga/kundalini/ACIM before work. Yesterday and today I went running, just a mile each day, but was so happy to have gotten off my ass and burn away some of this pain, this depression that makes me feel like I'm wearing a heavy wet blanket. I'm very much looking forward to Sukhdev's course on the lunar woman. I feel like it's going to give me some of the knowledge I'm seeking. And she's just so lovely! It was nice to be able to talk to her via email. I feel very motivated to do some deep work. I don't want fear to control my life leaving me bitter that I didn't live the life I wanted. How do I freaking do this? Well, I'm going to keep doing my morning practices and pray for some guidance and understanding.

Options and Self Care

After a state of desperation, I took the self care I needed to cope (barely at times). I stayed in a hotel close to work, which was so helpful, allowing me more time in the day to meditate, do yoga, relax eating breakfast. After the insanely stressful week, I went to a Russian banya for a few hours on Saturday and had a massage by a giant Russian dude. Then I came home and had a few glasses of wine while watching Orphan Black. That was lovely. I had some more drinks with Brendan later, but they didn't make me feel as nice as the wine. I've really been on the hunt for meaning in my life. In that effort, I've been trying to find the best practice to add to my life: A Course in Miracles, jade egg, Kundalini, Naam yoga, shadow work, meditation, group fitness, pole dancing, some other type of dance. There are so many possibilities. I'm really drawn to the yoni egg and Kundalini, which will incorporate a lot of the other options I listed above (shadow work and meditation). I guess my bigger challenge is that I want to do this with other people and my schedule doesn't really allow for a consistency in participating in a group class. That bothers me a lot sometimes. But I'm going to start learning more about Kundalini now. I love chakra work, I've been wanting to learn about breathing techniques, I'm interested in shadow work, and I want something different. I'll post my research here today as well. I have to talk to Jillian about the jade egg as well What am I doing in this life? Why can't I move past all of these limited beliefs? I'm working in a profession that I have almost no interest in at a job I don't fit in to, I don't have a space of my own which is so important to me, I'm not manifesting my creativity, and I'm not able to stick through with healthy eating and exercise. Ugh, writing that just made my head spin. I want space to be able to nourish myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want a tribe to share these experiences with on a regular basis. Maybe a BeachBody type program for spiritual practice? When I went to red tent a while ago, I remember the host saying that if what you are looking for is not available, maybe that is your calling to create it yourself. As I was thinking about how much I wanted to get away from my job last week, I also thought about how long it had been since a recruiter had reached out to me. And then one did. How crazy is that? Part of me saw it as a great opportunity to get away from where I am and part of me saw it as an opportunity to turn down another accounting job. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND MY TRUTH. I also have a triathlon in 2 months...hmmmmm. That should be interesting.