Last night I started watching Ted Talks on communication and confidence. Much of it was the "fake it til you make it" model, which was pretty motivating because of the woman giving the speech who made her speech very relatable. She was talking about standing and sitting in power positions to present yourself as someone people respect. She talked about saying "I don't belong here" when she was given the opportunity to be part of an advanced education after a brain injury took away the "smart girl" persona she once had. She talked about how she faked it and made it, though it took her much longer than her colleagues.
Another speaker discussed how we tend to stockpile answers when in conversation. He suggested being spontaneous with your answers and your words. He gave different exercises to practice with to get to this place of presence. He mentioned taking an improv class to build this skill set as well. I really want to do this, or a drama club or voice lessons or toastmasters...something that brings me into another way of thinking and uses my voice. I need to practice actually speaking.
I was thinking today about how much I soak in the energy of my surroundings. I was in a kick ass mood this morning, so ready to have confidence with socializing and talking at work. But whenever I heard someone talking about the Dakota Access Pipeline or Christine talking about the struggles with Brendan and the kids or anything really heavy, I would feel the pain of these people in my chest. It would feel like a bag of sand laying on top of my lungs. I have to be careful to keep enough of a boundary that I don't take on other people's pain. I think I have to be more wary of this because I am so sensitive. It's tough to figure out the balance because I want to truly hear the people I'm speaking with and feel what they're saying, but I feeling it knocks me off my track and I can't do that.
One thing that was very clear was that I was completely high from my Zumba class yesterday. It was the best class I've ever been to and got my so hyped that I went to the reservoir to run a mile after the 90 minute class (in which I walked out with beat red face). But it helped me so much with my anxiety at work and socializing in that environment. I did completely crash after lunch time, but it was a good run. It definitely made me realize how important movement is for me. I want to take a look at MoveNat as well, mostly because I had a dream about it and I love playing with movement to fully connect with your body and the world around you.
I'm excited that I was guided to start listening to Christine Hassler again. She reminds me so so much of Brooke, and it's freaking awesome that I can learn from her 30 minute podcasts.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Rising Up
After two weeks of some pretty intense emotional struggle, I'm finally back on the rails and ready to kill it. I don't know what I would have done without counseling on Friday, but that was seriously my rescue. I was beating myself up so hard and could not escape that downward spiral. I'm always more grateful for Brooke than I could ever express. She wouldn't even entertain my thoughts that I should consider Annmarie's words as truth. It was so uplifting after speaking through tears with a shaky voice.
So it got me away from those thoughts that told me I was a failure to women's empowerment. And now, I'm back in the game. I have my new laptop so I can actually get back to writing on the daily. And I just signed up for Buti training in December, which has me pumped to work out more and start eating healthy. I definitely disagree with some of the ideals of Buti, but its overall design to focus on the tribe of women is enough of a sell for me.
I listened to a Christine Hassler podcast this morning on the topic of self sabotage. This topic is HUGE for me. It completely baffles my mind how I can always put obstacles in my way whenever I start advancing toward my goals. It's so frustrating that I've kind of stopped making goals. I haven't proven myself to be accountable to myself, so what's the point? Well, it's all a change in ideals.
"You're due for an upgrade in your belief system so you stop sabotaging yourself." Well, ok, yes! This is how I've gotten through all the other muck in my life. It's the same thing! I just need to find and focus on that belief system.
Also, she discussed growing up in a strict household. Feeling restricted can cause you to rebel, which could be in the form of eating foods that are unhealthy or choosing paths that are not in alignment with who we really are.
"We are always trying to find balance in some way. When we feel suppressed or constricted or restricted on some level, on another level we are going to try to balance it out by rebelling or engaging in sabotaging behavior. When we are engaging in risk, we have to look at the origin. Is it reactive and we just want to engage in risky behavior as an outlet? Or is it intuitive, coming from a proactive place?"
I love it. It's just freedom. Our soul is trying to find its freedom in a world that tries to keep it locked up in a mold. One thing I was feeling so hard this week was the desire to do something so "out there", something witchy, like writing down negative thoughts and burning them or sitting in the woods at night. Today I felt like jumping in the freezing ocean. I didn't do any of those things, but the craving is strong. I want to be wild. I want to connect with the elements. I want to connect with myself.
But this week has truly brought me back to a place of deep love for myself and those around me and the beauty of it all. I feel like it's all going to be ok. I have a desire to feel life because I think it will help me to live on a deeper level, but sometimes I feel on a level that really just causes immense suffering that I can't escape from. I'm still learning, but I feel supported in the process.
I think something that's been a major factor is that I've felt more responsible lately for my life and the work I put out. This is great and kind of a new outfit I'm trying on. The struggle I've been facing is that I take responsibility for other people's pain as well as being a poor example for others. What if I could have done more? Why can't I ever know enough to handle problems as they come? Why am I not bold enough to take a stand and protect myself and those around me? Well, sometimes, living your life the way you want to is taking that stand. Yes, mistakes happen. But that's living. That's leaning.
So it got me away from those thoughts that told me I was a failure to women's empowerment. And now, I'm back in the game. I have my new laptop so I can actually get back to writing on the daily. And I just signed up for Buti training in December, which has me pumped to work out more and start eating healthy. I definitely disagree with some of the ideals of Buti, but its overall design to focus on the tribe of women is enough of a sell for me.
I listened to a Christine Hassler podcast this morning on the topic of self sabotage. This topic is HUGE for me. It completely baffles my mind how I can always put obstacles in my way whenever I start advancing toward my goals. It's so frustrating that I've kind of stopped making goals. I haven't proven myself to be accountable to myself, so what's the point? Well, it's all a change in ideals.
"You're due for an upgrade in your belief system so you stop sabotaging yourself." Well, ok, yes! This is how I've gotten through all the other muck in my life. It's the same thing! I just need to find and focus on that belief system.
Also, she discussed growing up in a strict household. Feeling restricted can cause you to rebel, which could be in the form of eating foods that are unhealthy or choosing paths that are not in alignment with who we really are.
"We are always trying to find balance in some way. When we feel suppressed or constricted or restricted on some level, on another level we are going to try to balance it out by rebelling or engaging in sabotaging behavior. When we are engaging in risk, we have to look at the origin. Is it reactive and we just want to engage in risky behavior as an outlet? Or is it intuitive, coming from a proactive place?"
I love it. It's just freedom. Our soul is trying to find its freedom in a world that tries to keep it locked up in a mold. One thing I was feeling so hard this week was the desire to do something so "out there", something witchy, like writing down negative thoughts and burning them or sitting in the woods at night. Today I felt like jumping in the freezing ocean. I didn't do any of those things, but the craving is strong. I want to be wild. I want to connect with the elements. I want to connect with myself.
But this week has truly brought me back to a place of deep love for myself and those around me and the beauty of it all. I feel like it's all going to be ok. I have a desire to feel life because I think it will help me to live on a deeper level, but sometimes I feel on a level that really just causes immense suffering that I can't escape from. I'm still learning, but I feel supported in the process.
I think something that's been a major factor is that I've felt more responsible lately for my life and the work I put out. This is great and kind of a new outfit I'm trying on. The struggle I've been facing is that I take responsibility for other people's pain as well as being a poor example for others. What if I could have done more? Why can't I ever know enough to handle problems as they come? Why am I not bold enough to take a stand and protect myself and those around me? Well, sometimes, living your life the way you want to is taking that stand. Yes, mistakes happen. But that's living. That's leaning.
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