That Which No Longer Serves You

I had a lot of obstacles in my life growing up, the kind that were consistent rather than major life events.  I had a mother with mental illness, an opinionated father with a temper, both of them older parents, and I was most recognized for my shyness in any social environment I participated in. 

Though tough times, they were a part of my journey.  I can get upset thinking about the child who was locked away in an emotional prison, but I now feel strong enough to talk about these struggles without getting stuck in that mindset.  I can now see it as a part of my life that is over and a platform to use to speak about the power within every individual to reach greatness and fulfillment.


Let's start with the parents:


My Mother
My mom was the hot topic of my childhood.  She had a personality disorder that was best described in the title of a book about it called "Walking on Eggshells".  With mood shifts in ever-changing increments (minutes, hours, days, weeks, months), there was a serious amount of stress in the unpredictability around someone who was supposed to be such a foundational part of my life.

To top it off, she never used the term "family" to refer to her husband and three children.  That was reserved for the elite "Dillon-Malone" clan (my mom's brothers and sisters and their parents).  To have your mother straight-up ignore her connection with you isn't quite the memory you look forward to savoring as an adult.

Though she was mentally ill, one personality she would exude was loving, caring, compassionate, care-free, empathetic, fun, silly, and nurturing.  I would cling to this person whenever she decided to pay a visit.  I would tell her  e v e r y t h i n g  - the teachers I was having a hard time with, the exhaustion I was facing with trying to get an overwhelming amount of studying done, all the fun things I wanted to do, relationships.  We would share stories, act like total goofballs, laugh hysterically, have deep conversations about life.  It was what every child would want to have in a mother.  I would feel safe and loved in those moments.  And then those moments would be over...

When my motherly mother went into hiding, out came the antithesis of what I just described.  "Of course no one likes YOU," she would tell me as she referred to the conversations we had in the joyous moments just one night earlier.  She would trail my heals nagging me about what a horrible person I was.  She would yell, blast the radio, drop heavy baskets from a height, harass my dad for "making the kids turn on her", threaten to call school or my friends' parents and tell them all about me.  All those deep feelings I shared, all that trust that was built...burned to the ground, for no reason.  Safety violated.  One time, I made her a birthday card which she was thrilled to receive and gave me hugs and smiles for.  The next year, she decided her birthday was the day I was the child she didn't like (there was always at least one of us at any point in time) and I walked into the kitchen to see that card ripped in half and magneted to the fridge for my viewing pleasure.  Why, you ask?  Because that was what the mood presented.  But I would fall for the motherly mother trap hundreds of times before I was numb to the mood shifts.  Every question she asked was answered with little mumbles, allowing for the least connection possible.

Many people who had a general idea of my mom's issues assumed the greatest impact on us was in the form of her hoarding.  Our house was jam-packed.  You could only walk through paths that were one-foot wide.  The dining room table was stacked to the hilt.  I had no room of my own until I snapped one summer in high school and threw out all of her things and refused to let it back into my space.  The thing is, her junk was not even really a factor.  The mind-fucks were where it was at.

I was bitter about this for a while.  I had cried almost every single day of my life until I left for college because of the emotional pain caused by this instability.  I was lifted up and then smashed into the ground over and over again.  That took a toll. 

The end result was really just to cut ties.  That may sound like a harsh option, but the amount of freedom this allows for is out of this world (for the both of us). 


My Father
I have always been a daddy's girl. My dad and I would have sooo much fun together.  We would watch "America's Funniest Home Videos" and roar laughing so hard that my brother makes fun of us to this day.  We would play in the pool and make the best whirlpools and waves you could make without knocking down the pool walls.  We would go on vacation and just relax in each other's company, go for long bike rides, and play mini golf (and claim to be the winner no matter what the scorecard said).  I just loved being around him.

With all the years of struggling with my relationship with my mom, it took me to adulthood to realize all the stock I had put into my dad to lead the way for me.  He was so confident in himself and I trusted him.  But his confidence was born out of an opinionated mindset.  He would state every opinion as fact.  His way or the highway.  I learned every lesson from him from statements beginning with, "Look at that idiot over there..."  Fill in the blank with "smoking, wearing that shirt, wasting his money, thinking he's good-looking" or anything that veered from his own lifestyle.  In my adulthood, I identified so much with "idiot" and that was just plain dangerous.  My brother opened my eyes to the concept of my dad as a "master brainwasher", using repetition and intimidation to align his troops.  That has significantly diminished as my dad has gotten older, but my brother was spot on. 

My greatest fear in life has probably been (and perhaps still is) disappointing my dad.  My worth has been based on my dad's approval for so long that it's so hard for me to think of anything else.

My counselor once asked me, "Would you rather disappoint your dad by not living the life he wants for you or be disappointed in yourself"  My response?  "Honestly, I would rather be disappointed in myself."




BUT NOW...

I feel a shift that is actually blowing my mind.  I can't say I'm completely there yet but I can FEEEL it - oh I can feel it.  I realize myself as my own person, as someone who may not get approval from my family because of the choices I make that bring me closer to myself.  But that is exactly what is making me feel alive.  Being responsible for my own choices.  Oof, that's scary.  But it's also a thrill - jumping into the driver's seat and pressing the gas.  It's time to stop putting life on a pedestal.  Yes, life is AMAZING, but exaggerating the pressure of all your choices will prevent you from experiencing it.

In this shift, there is an automatic response to revert back to old ways of thinking, old methods that served me in a previous phase of my life.  Time to LET GO!  I am not that person any more.  There are new tools available now, new obstacles to tackles, new magic to discover.

A Voice for the Voiceless

In counseling tonight, Brooke brought up that it didn't seem like I was fully owning the role of leader in these projects/groups I've been taking on, though I did have confidence and excitement with them all.  My response was that I probably have a hesitation with the thought of people thinking I think I'm better than I am or better than them.  When she asked about what it was like when I tried to share my voice growing up and now, I said, "Well, I honestly didn't ever feel like I had a voice until very recently, so that concept is SO new to me." 

As I spoke about my new involvement in creating and participating in the women's empowerment community, I mentioned feeling like I was a novice.  She pointed out that people would not be coming to my book club meetups if I was a novice because time is very valuable and people are giving up their free time to participate.  She reflected back to me that all these opportunities arising are not coincidence but because I planted a seed that is starting to grow.  I shed a light that people are attracted to and inspired by and it takes courage to make decisions like that.  If I label myself as a novice, I am holding myself back from reaching my true potential and almost looking back to try to be on the same level as a novice.

When I mentioned the pattern of not accepting the leadership role in the past (like when others said i was ready to teach yoga, and even when I started teaching, and I didn't want to claim that I was good enough for that position), she said, "You said that you didn't feel like it was an option to have a voice growing up.  Well, what if you had that voice all along but it was waiting for this moment for you to share it?  What if your voice now is meant to spread the message of providing a voice to the voiceless?"

That is AMAZING.  That is a message that I can completely identify with and feel is so unique to me.  I used to be silent my entire life because I didn't want people to judge my for what I was actually saying; I would rather people think I'm weird for saying nothing than for being weird for who I actually was.  Now I love telling people who I really am and figuring out who I am even better by having those conversations.  Being able to be an example and a support for others in that situation is so perfect.  I love it!

Now research time!  I want to start outlining the uniqueness of being a woman and branching off of that outline with ways to strengthen those qualities and implement them into daily life.  I want this for the Shakti Power Circle, but also for my other groups and general conversation.

The Body Knows

The past few months have presented me with some challenges that have definitely led me to question my self confidence.  I've been sexually assaulted by a female coworker, taken advantage of by another coworker, had two of my very best friends go through the loss of a baby and a stroke at the age of 32, overwhelming stress at work, and being written up at work followed by multiple trips to the "principal's office" in which I cried uncontrollably with both of my bosses.

At the point where I was ANGRY, sooooo so angry, I got sick.  I got sick Saturday night, was in bed all day Sunday, all day Monday, all day Tuesday, and groggily went back to work on Wednesday.  No one EVER takes TWO sick days from work...in a row.  But I was in so much pain that I couldn't roll my head off the pillow without squashing it with my hands to try to ease the blow.  I was not exactly looking forward to going back to work, as each time in the past two months that I've come back from a vacation or day off, I was reprimanded for something and I would cry and it would be very intense.  This time, I had a revelation in my groggy state.  Why was I so afraid of getting fired?  Because of what other people would think.  Reality?  I'M FINE!  It would probably actually be a GOOD thing if I got fired.  I would get to leave a job that I absolutely hate and receive unemployment and have a little extra time to figure out a better next step.  By Thursday back at work, I felt so good.  I even screwed something up which caused my boss, my boss's boss, and my boss's boss's boss to be super pissed, to the point where my boss couldn't even look me in the eye, but I still said to myself, "I just screwed up.  I AM NOT A SCREWUP." 

The next day, Friday, I felt better than I had felt in MONTHS.  No lie, I hadn't even realized until that day how miserable I had been even before the super tough times at work.  I couldn't stop smiling, smiled even harder when all the managers left the office an hour or two early, and even harder when I left the building.  I drove home blasting some Pandora pop, windows down, singing SO LOUD, and screaming "THIS FEELS SO FUCKING GREAT!!!" out the window.  Wow, it was a celebration for sure.  My body told me to slow down.  I had no choice but to lay in bed and wait.  That was the best detox I have ever felt in my life.  I could BREAAAATHE and smile and laugh and be goofy.  It was the first weekend in months that I didn't need to stay at home alone the entire time to fully recover for the upcoming work week.  Freaking amazing.

Also in that time, I had 3 different people reach out to me with interest in collaborating on women's empowerment projects.  How crazy is that?  I feel like I'm back on the path.  I feel like I can handle this.  I feel like I trust myself and I have THE BEST support network.

Thank you, my body, for showing me the way.  Time to take care of you a little better.  :)

Fear: From Hampster Wheels to Freedom

I just started reading “Big Magic” by Liz Gilbert and, as I’ve come to learn over the course of the year, when I read or listen to podcasts, that is when inspiration comes flowing.

There is SO much shift in my lift right now – maybe not physically, but mentally, WHOA.  From an outsider’s perspective, it probably looks like I am wasting so much time and living a lazy life.  In my mind, I am preparing for some major change.  I am collecting knowledge from everywhere and everyone and then sit with those gatherings in my own time, time in silence, alone. 

I’ve felt a feeling I have never in my life felt.  FEAR.  But not the anxiety-ridden type of fear where I'm running for my life.  This fear is exciting.  This fear is propelling me forward.  This fear is promoting growth. 

There have been really tough situations I've had come my way the past few months that have sent my mind on a trip, but it's back now, with gifts from its travels.

First struggle (which presented itself MULTIPLE times in a short period of time):

Being treated a way that was very disrespectful even after I trying to set a boundary, but choosing to stay quiet or comply in order to avoid cause more of a disturbance beyond my own discomfort.

Boundary-setting has been a struggle for me for quite a while.  It mostly stemmed from the family mentality that everyone else comes first.  You don't get the first piece of cake on your birthday; you get the last one.  If you have something and leave someone else without it, all you are really left with is guilt.  Others are worth more, so comply with the rules of the Universe and give way for the true talent. 

Perfectionism was my safety net for a while, my way of finding worth via gold stars, until that way of living died in a major crash (as tends to be the fate of perfectionism). 

Then came the opposite life - who really cares?  I got an F in my college class?  Hmm, that kinda sucks.  Instead of perfecting, I tried to be the ultimate multi-tasker.  I was always awe-struck by those who could juggle success in many different areas of their lives.  So that was the life I tried to attain.  I got a job working about 25 hours a week at Panera (the morning shift from 6am-2pm), had a full load of classes (4pm-8pm), was the Pledgemaster of my community service fraternity, participated in the service and fellowship events, AND felt like I could add a normal college social life to the list.  I had many sleepless nights trying to accomplish at least a moderate level of success in all of these categories.  Somehow, this didn't end well.  I cried...a lot.  I felt like a complete failure.  I quit my job, felt like I had done a disservice by leading a group of new brothers, and finally failled out of school.  I let my pledges down, I let my family down, I let myself down.  Too much pressure, too much failure.  Rock bottom.

I managed to pull myself back together once most of my suffering was out in the open.  I focused on the basics.  I started with school only and got straight A's.  That felt amazing.  Then I added health to the mixed.  I lost about 25 pounds and then started training for a triathlon with Jay (and then Christine and Dirk joined in on the races).  I felt so good!  I graduated when I was supposed to - thank god.  Then I couldn't get a job.  Then I went to grad school.  I did really well at the beginning and was in the top of my class and getting all the interviews with the top accounting firms.  No job.  Grades dropped in the process of prepping for interviews and with the overwhelm of the work.  Rock bottom.

I filled the void with working with a friend open up her own yoga studio and basically dedicating all of my time to that venture.  That was my purpose.  And it was exciting.  And it was challenging.  And then I came to the realization, a realization I've come to many times in my life, that my time was not being valued.  I was thanked for my work, but my time was no longer my own.  And much of that was my own fault.  I set no boundaries.  I openly stated the value the work gave me in my life.  But I still felt taken advantage of.  My escape?  A plan to take the CPA exam, an exam that would propel me further into a field I knew I didn't belong in.  The end of that plan?  Rock bottom.

After a lot of good times and a lot of bad times, I started really working on myself, with the help of a counselor.  My time was my own.  I stopped offering anyone help.  I began to feel selfish for claiming all my free time as my own.  What am I offering society?  Nothing.  I'm simply enjoying my time. 

I pushed through much of my anxiety with the introduction of meditation to my life.  I didn't really maintain a meditation routine for long, but the concept of having the power to control my thoughts was enough to keep me motivated.  Before I had always thought of my mind as too distorted from years of abuse and abnormal living that the only way I could move past the pain was to "push through", to conquer the pain.  Meditation taught me that it was just a practice, a knowledge that you can simply "let go" of the pain.  It worked.  Why?  Because I believed.  I believed this harder than anything I had ever believed in my life.  I was so filled with a sense of freedom that it was almost shooting out of my body.  I had so much energy.  I had to much hope.

That foundation served me well.  I moved past so many obstacles.  And now it's time for some more.  I've been hit over and over again the past few months with challenges I have felt like were going to be the end of my streak of strength.  Did I really think I was truly strong?  That was just a phase.  It was time to go back to my role of timidity, where I truly belonged.

Oh wait...no it wasn't.  I AM STRONG.  I AM CAPABLE.  I AM WORTHY.  My worth is not defined by what I produce.  And each challenge that comes my way is simply that.  It is a way to find a deeper part of myself.  It is a way to gather more tools to add to my arsenal for those greater aspirations.

The rough patches lately have led me to some discussions with my counselor that have totally made some concepts CLICK.  They've helped me detach from some ways of thinking that are no longer serving me.  I'm still not completely solid with those detachments, but I am at a point where I feel so excited for the possibilities.  I never thought about "what could be" before.  Before, my life was preplanned, by someone else.  And that plan is a bust.  Why?  Because IT'S NOT MY PLAN.  However, IT IS MY LIFE. 

I know what I want.  I want a life that allows for a focus on health (physically, mentally, and emotionally), for spirituality, for connections with others in the community, for time out in nature, for trying new things. 

My spark right now is in moving to California.  This would be my choice.  This is a community that appears to fit everything I'm searching for.  This would be a chance to snap out of the routine of that preplanned life in the state I have never left for more than a few weeks at a time.  This would be an opportunity for me to do something in my life that was not to make anyone else happy except myself (it actually might do the opposite, at least temporarily).  But I'm ready to break free.  I'm ready to take a risk.  I'm ready to take an adventure in search of my deeper truth. 

FREEDOM - I can feel it

Dream - Underground Tunnels

Dream

We (Me, Dana, and this guy Chris from the studio) were at some sort of theme park and were warned that, before the end of the day, we would have to crawl through an underground tunnel on a specific path.  Otherwise, our ability to breathe would be taken away and we would die.  (There was a witch or something that had some power over the people who were at this park.)

Chris was very focused on figuring out where this path was.  He asked as many people as he could, he created maps, and he had lists of instructions on what to do.  He took his backpack straight to the start of the path and was ready to go.  I eagerly followed him to the start of the course, frantically trying to get as much information as I could from him.  I asked him if I could go with him, but he said we all had to go alone.  I was so nervous because I knew that I was going to start going through the tunnel and get completely lost.  Through this whole process, Dana was just very calm and was also not trying to figure out how to survive. 

Analysis

The whole theme of the underground tunnels was from a show that was on TV last night where some kids fell through a tunnel and had to crawl through it in the dark to find their friend.  That made me pretty nervous because of the lack of air and you could go the wrong way and be stuck there forever and no one would know how to save you.  Soooo I guess my claustrophobia was guiding this dream lol.  Chris is this guy at the studio who used to be annoying as hell in class because he had too much energy and kept asking questions and making little jokes throughout the class.  But then he got into meditation and ayahuasca and he's so calm and focused and gets stuff done.  It was a pretty impressive shift.  I guess the part where Dana wasn't doing anything was symbolic of my feelings about her spinning her tires all the time.  She has an endless list of ideas with what she wants to do, but she just can't get shit done.  It's been really getting to me ever since I got some help to move forward with my own life. 

The Blur Weeks

Today was the first time in a few weeks that I got to do nothing - no plans, no deadlines, just allowing the freedom of the day to take over.  It's so nice to read when I want to, fall asleep when I want to, watch TV, talk on the phone, clean when I want to (which I didn't want to today lol).  It wasn't quite as relaxing because Dana's sister was hanging out in the living room and I really wanted to be alone.  So most of the day was spent in my room, but I can't complain about that.  I did a lot of catching up with Martina and Brendan in that time as well.

A lot to catch up on in this blog of mine.  Last weekend was a manfriend weekend and it was the bomb.  I hung out with Jay on Saturday (and a few hours with Chris as well).  But we started off with buffalo calamari and buffalo wings and a few beers at Mohawk House (delicious) and caught up some more and chatted about the exciting plans we had for our futures.  It was nice to just be silly again.  Then we were off to meet Chris at Angry Erik's.  We stopped at Quick Check on the way and grabbed some junky things and cigarettes.  I have no idea what compelled me to do that, but it was one of those drinking days where having a cigarette in my mouth just seemed like the perfect addition to the day.  We had a nice time with Chris, first time we had all been together in probably 3 years.  So crazy.  Then Chris left and Jay and I went to get pizza, then to the mall for coffee, watched the Wedding Ringer (surprisingly funny), and headed back home.  Oh, and I saw Jay's parents and sister before the day started.  So surreal.  It feels so good to have things back to normal...well as normal as they can be.

The next day I went to Chris G's place for Superbowl (with Chris H).  I wasn't planning on going because the weather was to be bad and I was trying to avoid more beer and crappy food.  But my temptation got the best of me when I was thinking of being alone for such a social day.  I'm so glad I went because those were some good laughs that I haven't had in a while.  Great time!  I just love those guys so much. 

And then there was ice...and I worked from home.  I don't really feel like typing out the whole story right now, but Rajae had sent an email saying he would be taking a half day PTO from us when we work from home.  I was so angry and I knew I didn't want to feel that way the whole day because I had too much work to get done, so I responded with my reasoning for why it seemed unfair to me.  He said we could talk about it when I was back in the office.  The conversation didn't really go anywhere, but I had my satisfaction in knowing that he knew where I stood on the topic and I actually spoke my mind on something that was important to me (and the group).  There was no reason that I shouldn't be the one speaking up.  My dad asked on a previous storm, "There's NO ONE in your group that will stand up and say something??", implying that someone else should take a stand.  Why not me?  So it was me the next time.  And Nicole was glad that I said something and opened the dialogue for change.  That was a cool feeling.

There's a new girl in my group who I'm really not excited about.  She's pretty rude and determined to move up the ladder.  I'm trying to not let her get the best of me, but it will definitely be a challenge.

OH!  And probably the biggest news.  I'm looking into speech pathology programs.  After telling myself over and over again for a few weeks that I was not following my truth by staying in Accounting, the "brick" hit me in the head saying "Go back to school for what you know you like!"  And now that's the plan.  I want to help people and I know this is a field where I can do that.  Now I just need to research the loans process.  It's going to be a roller coaster, I'm sure, but I really believe the universe is pushing me to this. 

I've been a little messy with my spending the past two weeks, but today my credit card was put on hold for fraud.  So now I have no credit card for the week, which isn't exactly the best timing, but maybe I'll have a little more control now that I know there is a limited amount of cash I have to use.  Luckily pay day is this week.

My friendship with Martina is growing so much.  We call each other all the time now and get each other more and more excited about the simplicities (and complexities) of life.  She tagged me in this picture on FB and commented, "I think we've moved permanently to the other side of the bus!!!"  She could not be more right.  Life has gotten exponentially more exciting because of magic and imagination and sisterhood and truth - the list goes on!

And counseling is still going great.  Brooke has a new office in Watchung, so it's been nice to be a little bit closer to work.  She's so supportive and non-reactive to things that I'm embarrassed by.  It's an amazing feeling to know you can say what you're really thinking and talk about things that are putting you in a vulnerable position (like the awkward conversation with the boss about not meeting expectations). 

With the full schedule of work and meeting up with friends the past few weeks, it's been hard to stop to regain focus on health (mental and physical).  That's why I was looking forward to this weekend so much.  I can rest and also have time to go food shopping and do chores and all that jazz.

I think I'm going to go to Panera to do some work on the computer for a while tomorrow morning.  It sounds good in my head, but it's 3am now, so I don't think that's going to happen.  Lol, maybe I'll just stay home.  Whatever, I'll let the day lead me where it decides.

Ok, I'm definitely ready for bed now.  Gnite!

Undefriended

Just waking up from one of the best nights I've had in a LONG time.  I actually went out to dinner with Jason.  I can't even believe it, after two years of not talking.  He reached out over the weekend and I was so ready to say yes, especially after having that dream about him and Chris a few weeks ago.  I've definitely been missing him and miss being able to randomly text him things that no one else would find funny or interesting.  We just click and understand each other so well and we don't feel like we have to filter our speaking when we are together.  But I knew it was important to actually talk things out and not ignore them, so I asked him the night before if we could do that.  He responded with a "yeah def".  Strangely enough, he was the one to initiate the "talking things out" portion of our discussion.  That was amazing.  But it was clear that we both went through some sad times without having each other.  I think we were really honest with each other and understanding of each other.  We talked about how many times we wished we could have shared an experience or a joke with the other person but couldn't.  He said that Donna's great but she doesn't like to do everything he does and that hanging out with me was different than with anyone else.  He said he was smiling all day knowing that we were going to be hanging out.  I definitely was too.  We're just very supportive of each other and I am soooo excited to have that back.  We laughed about old times and new times and we just couldn't stop smiling.  Two pints of Guinness was a good addition as well.  But it was amazing to be able to tell each other how much we missed each other and how much our friendship means to each other and for each of us to apologize for things getting fucked up and to be able to plan to meet up and do stuff together again.  After I told Jay that I wasn't sure if it would have been ok for us to hang out now that he's with Donna, he said that she knew we were going out and that one of his goals was to be more up front with people.  That was probably the best thing I heard all night.  But we were together for 2 1/2 hours and it FLEW by.  When we left each other, I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  He gave me this tube that said "In Case Of Emergency" on it and there was a Snickers inside with a note that said "I wasn't myself, I must have been hungry".

Then I opened his card when I got to the car and my eyes swelled up.  This was just one of the nicest cards I've ever gotten. 

Man, I am so grateful to have this friendship back.

I called Martina on the way home to share this experience and we just shared our amazement of the world together again and talked for an hour. 

I am loving life and all the amazing things it has brought me this year.  SO looking forward to all that is in store for 2015.  Ah, I'm just so freaking happy.