After two weeks of some pretty intense emotional struggle, I'm finally back on the rails and ready to kill it. I don't know what I would have done without counseling on Friday, but that was seriously my rescue. I was beating myself up so hard and could not escape that downward spiral. I'm always more grateful for Brooke than I could ever express. She wouldn't even entertain my thoughts that I should consider Annmarie's words as truth. It was so uplifting after speaking through tears with a shaky voice.
So it got me away from those thoughts that told me I was a failure to women's empowerment. And now, I'm back in the game. I have my new laptop so I can actually get back to writing on the daily. And I just signed up for Buti training in December, which has me pumped to work out more and start eating healthy. I definitely disagree with some of the ideals of Buti, but its overall design to focus on the tribe of women is enough of a sell for me.
I listened to a Christine Hassler podcast this morning on the topic of self sabotage. This topic is HUGE for me. It completely baffles my mind how I can always put obstacles in my way whenever I start advancing toward my goals. It's so frustrating that I've kind of stopped making goals. I haven't proven myself to be accountable to myself, so what's the point? Well, it's all a change in ideals.
"You're due for an upgrade in your belief system so you stop sabotaging yourself." Well, ok, yes! This is how I've gotten through all the other muck in my life. It's the same thing! I just need to find and focus on that belief system.
Also, she discussed growing up in a strict household. Feeling restricted can cause you to rebel, which could be in the form of eating foods that are unhealthy or choosing paths that are not in alignment with who we really are.
"We are always trying to find balance in some way. When we feel suppressed or constricted or restricted on some level, on another level we are going to try to balance it out by rebelling or engaging in sabotaging behavior. When we are engaging in risk, we have to look at the origin. Is it reactive and we just want to engage in risky behavior as an outlet? Or is it intuitive, coming from a proactive place?"
I love it. It's just freedom. Our soul is trying to find its freedom in a world that tries to keep it locked up in a mold. One thing I was feeling so hard this week was the desire to do something so "out there", something witchy, like writing down negative thoughts and burning them or sitting in the woods at night. Today I felt like jumping in the freezing ocean. I didn't do any of those things, but the craving is strong. I want to be wild. I want to connect with the elements. I want to connect with myself.
But this week has truly brought me back to a place of deep love for myself and those around me and the beauty of it all. I feel like it's all going to be ok. I have a desire to feel life because I think it will help me to live on a deeper level, but sometimes I feel on a level that really just causes immense suffering that I can't escape from. I'm still learning, but I feel supported in the process.
I think something that's been a major factor is that I've felt more responsible lately for my life and the work I put out. This is great and kind of a new outfit I'm trying on. The struggle I've been facing is that I take responsibility for other people's pain as well as being a poor example for others. What if I could have done more? Why can't I ever know enough to handle problems as they come? Why am I not bold enough to take a stand and protect myself and those around me? Well, sometimes, living your life the way you want to is taking that stand. Yes, mistakes happen. But that's living. That's leaning.
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