I just started reading “Big Magic” by Liz Gilbert and, as I’ve come to learn over the course of the year, when I read or listen to podcasts, that is when inspiration comes flowing.
There is SO much shift in my lift right now – maybe not physically, but mentally, WHOA. From an outsider’s perspective, it probably looks like I am wasting so much time and living a lazy life. In my mind, I am preparing for some major change. I am collecting knowledge from everywhere and everyone and then sit with those gatherings in my own time, time in silence, alone.
I’ve felt a feeling I have never in my life felt. FEAR. But not the anxiety-ridden type of fear where I'm running for my life. This fear is exciting. This fear is propelling me forward. This fear is promoting growth.
There have been really tough situations I've had come my way the past few months that have sent my mind on a trip, but it's back now, with gifts from its travels.
First struggle (which presented itself MULTIPLE times in a short period of time):
Being treated a way that was very disrespectful even after I trying to set a boundary, but choosing to stay quiet or comply in order to avoid cause more of a disturbance beyond my own discomfort.
Boundary-setting has been a struggle for me for quite a while. It mostly stemmed from the family mentality that everyone else comes first. You don't get the first piece of cake on your birthday; you get the last one. If you have something and leave someone else without it, all you are really left with is guilt. Others are worth more, so comply with the rules of the Universe and give way for the true talent.
Perfectionism was my safety net for a while, my way of finding worth via gold stars, until that way of living died in a major crash (as tends to be the fate of perfectionism).
Then came the opposite life - who really cares? I got an F in my college class? Hmm, that kinda sucks. Instead of perfecting, I tried to be the ultimate multi-tasker. I was always awe-struck by those who could juggle success in many different areas of their lives. So that was the life I tried to attain. I got a job working about 25 hours a week at Panera (the morning shift from 6am-2pm), had a full load of classes (4pm-8pm), was the Pledgemaster of my community service fraternity, participated in the service and fellowship events, AND felt like I could add a normal college social life to the list. I had many sleepless nights trying to accomplish at least a moderate level of success in all of these categories. Somehow, this didn't end well. I cried...a lot. I felt like a complete failure. I quit my job, felt like I had done a disservice by leading a group of new brothers, and finally failled out of school. I let my pledges down, I let my family down, I let myself down. Too much pressure, too much failure. Rock bottom.
I managed to pull myself back together once most of my suffering was out in the open. I focused on the basics. I started with school only and got straight A's. That felt amazing. Then I added health to the mixed. I lost about 25 pounds and then started training for a triathlon with Jay (and then Christine and Dirk joined in on the races). I felt so good! I graduated when I was supposed to - thank god. Then I couldn't get a job. Then I went to grad school. I did really well at the beginning and was in the top of my class and getting all the interviews with the top accounting firms. No job. Grades dropped in the process of prepping for interviews and with the overwhelm of the work. Rock bottom.
I filled the void with working with a friend open up her own yoga studio and basically dedicating all of my time to that venture. That was my purpose. And it was exciting. And it was challenging. And then I came to the realization, a realization I've come to many times in my life, that my time was not being valued. I was thanked for my work, but my time was no longer my own. And much of that was my own fault. I set no boundaries. I openly stated the value the work gave me in my life. But I still felt taken advantage of. My escape? A plan to take the CPA exam, an exam that would propel me further into a field I knew I didn't belong in. The end of that plan? Rock bottom.
After a lot of good times and a lot of bad times, I started really working on myself, with the help of a counselor. My time was my own. I stopped offering anyone help. I began to feel selfish for claiming all my free time as my own. What am I offering society? Nothing. I'm simply enjoying my time.
I pushed through much of my anxiety with the introduction of meditation to my life. I didn't really maintain a meditation routine for long, but the concept of having the power to control my thoughts was enough to keep me motivated. Before I had always thought of my mind as too distorted from years of abuse and abnormal living that the only way I could move past the pain was to "push through", to conquer the pain. Meditation taught me that it was just a practice, a knowledge that you can simply "let go" of the pain. It worked. Why? Because I believed. I believed this harder than anything I had ever believed in my life. I was so filled with a sense of freedom that it was almost shooting out of my body. I had so much energy. I had to much hope.
That foundation served me well. I moved past so many obstacles. And now it's time for some more. I've been hit over and over again the past few months with challenges I have felt like were going to be the end of my streak of strength. Did I really think I was truly strong? That was just a phase. It was time to go back to my role of timidity, where I truly belonged.
Oh wait...no it wasn't. I AM STRONG. I AM CAPABLE. I AM WORTHY. My worth is not defined by what I produce. And each challenge that comes my way is simply that. It is a way to find a deeper part of myself. It is a way to gather more tools to add to my arsenal for those greater aspirations.
The rough patches lately have led me to some discussions with my counselor that have totally made some concepts CLICK. They've helped me detach from some ways of thinking that are no longer serving me. I'm still not completely solid with those detachments, but I am at a point where I feel so excited for the possibilities. I never thought about "what could be" before. Before, my life was preplanned, by someone else. And that plan is a bust. Why? Because IT'S NOT MY PLAN. However, IT IS MY LIFE.
I know what I want. I want a life that allows for a focus on health (physically, mentally, and emotionally), for spirituality, for connections with others in the community, for time out in nature, for trying new things.
My spark right now is in moving to California. This would be my choice. This is a community that appears to fit everything I'm searching for. This would be a chance to snap out of the routine of that preplanned life in the state I have never left for more than a few weeks at a time. This would be an opportunity for me to do something in my life that was not to make anyone else happy except myself (it actually might do the opposite, at least temporarily). But I'm ready to break free. I'm ready to take a risk. I'm ready to take an adventure in search of my deeper truth.
FREEDOM - I can feel it
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