The past few months have presented me with some challenges that have definitely led me to question my self confidence. I've been sexually assaulted by a female coworker, taken advantage of by another coworker, had two of my very best friends go through the loss of a baby and a stroke at the age of 32, overwhelming stress at work, and being written up at work followed by multiple trips to the "principal's office" in which I cried uncontrollably with both of my bosses.
At the point where I was ANGRY, sooooo so angry, I got sick. I got sick Saturday night, was in bed all day Sunday, all day Monday, all day Tuesday, and groggily went back to work on Wednesday. No one EVER takes TWO sick days from work...in a row. But I was in so much pain that I couldn't roll my head off the pillow without squashing it with my hands to try to ease the blow. I was not exactly looking forward to going back to work, as each time in the past two months that I've come back from a vacation or day off, I was reprimanded for something and I would cry and it would be very intense. This time, I had a revelation in my groggy state. Why was I so afraid of getting fired? Because of what other people would think. Reality? I'M FINE! It would probably actually be a GOOD thing if I got fired. I would get to leave a job that I absolutely hate and receive unemployment and have a little extra time to figure out a better next step. By Thursday back at work, I felt so good. I even screwed something up which caused my boss, my boss's boss, and my boss's boss's boss to be super pissed, to the point where my boss couldn't even look me in the eye, but I still said to myself, "I just screwed up. I AM NOT A SCREWUP."
The next day, Friday, I felt better than I had felt in MONTHS. No lie, I hadn't even realized until that day how miserable I had been even before the super tough times at work. I couldn't stop smiling, smiled even harder when all the managers left the office an hour or two early, and even harder when I left the building. I drove home blasting some Pandora pop, windows down, singing SO LOUD, and screaming "THIS FEELS SO FUCKING GREAT!!!" out the window. Wow, it was a celebration for sure. My body told me to slow down. I had no choice but to lay in bed and wait. That was the best detox I have ever felt in my life. I could BREAAAATHE and smile and laugh and be goofy. It was the first weekend in months that I didn't need to stay at home alone the entire time to fully recover for the upcoming work week. Freaking amazing.
Also in that time, I had 3 different people reach out to me with interest in collaborating on women's empowerment projects. How crazy is that? I feel like I'm back on the path. I feel like I can handle this. I feel like I trust myself and I have THE BEST support network.
Thank you, my body, for showing me the way. Time to take care of you a little better. :)
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