Patience

I really almost walked out of work today. Maybe it's my cathartic state of feeling detached emotionally from many around me or just feeling so done with being treated like I'm less than human or a less than human. I didn't though. I'm in a pretty low state. Trying to find a new life and new work under these conditions probably wouldn't help me much. But then again, maybe it's exactly what I need. I'm not quite there yet. I hung out with Kyu after work for an impromptu dinner date. It was nice catching up with her on her Scotland trip and I was able to talk about my accident. It was relaxing and comforting to just sit and chat and eat reasonably healthy food (and wine...and then not so healthy apple pie). I finally emailed the recruiter who reached out to me last week, so let me just ride that where it takes me. One thing I've been noticing this week is my lack of patience with myself. I feel like I'm wasting so much time by having this resistance to moving forward and making decisions for myself. I feel like I could do so much if I could just push past a period of discomfort. But I'm afraid of sustainability, mostly because of my cycling behavior/emotions and self-sabotaging. Maybe turning 30 is messing with my mind a bit. I do have this feeling that I'm not producing enough. I think that's just because I'm not producing where I really want to be. Patience patience patience.