You Cannot Fail

This has been the most transformational year of my life. My mind has opened up to a tremendous amount of ways of looking at the world and how to function in what can be an extremely stressful environment. I started going to counseling in May and that was the best decision I ever made. Brooke has been my (very sweet and supportive) weekly tour guide through this process. I'd say the most beneficial part is that I am speaking out loud about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. It's amazing the difference between keeping those thoughts (even positive ones) stuck in your head versus saying them out loud. Speaking solidifies those thoughts, especially since communication has been a roadblock for me most of my life. The more I can talk and talk to different people about the same topics, the more I can clarify what I believe, who I am, and what I want. Right before I started counseling, I did a Meditation 101 online conference put together by Ashley Turner. That was life changing! It gave me the hope and confidence that I have control over all of the things that have been holding me back. With practice and belief, we have so much power. I haven't kept up with my meditation practice, but the conference, with its amazingly inspirational speakers, was the best gift I could have asked for. So that was back in May. Now it's December, and I just finished another online conference called "Women Ignite". Wow, and I thought the meditation conference was motivating... These interviews blew my mind with inspiring women. I was absolutely glowing during the 3 days I was listening to all these workshops. The one that stuck with me the most was Alex Jamieson, the woman behind "Supersize Me". The is PHENOMENAL! She spoke about her time as a vegan and the struggle she went through when she discovered that was no longer the healthiest way for her to live her life. It resonated with me so much because it gave me a sense of security in knowing that it's ok to change and to be something other than what you have been labeled as (whether by yourself or by the outside world). You may have people who are not supportive of that transformation, but that is just something that you have to accept. A few weeks ago, I shared with Brooke how every project we did in a session was done on a very basic level during the session. Then I would go home, trash it, and redo it in much detail. She was happy to hear that I was taking those projects home and thinking about them more. Then she acknowledged the issue I was bringing up. I have always been embarrassed of letting people see me during the "figuring out" stages of anything. I always felt like I wasn't creative enough or I was too stupid and it took me too long to think of a good idea. I didn't even realize how much I was actually working on when I shared this with Brooke. I really only brought it up because I wanted to create an open environment for me to bring in this sketchbook where I redid an exercise from an old session. But, man, talking about that issue of mine has blown open the doors for the creative process. And Brooke was really excited about the opportunity to work more on the creative side. She lit up with all of these ideas of things we could start doing with our time together. She said that she didn't think I was ready to open up with the more creative stuff yet and she wanted to give me that time. I don't think I would have ever been ready if I wasn't open with her about my discomfort. I told her that I would still be uncomfortable throughout that process, but that was ok. Another speaker I heard on TED Radio Hour (one of my new favorites) was the author of "Eat, Pray, Love". Funny, because I absolutely hated that movie - I couldn't even finish watching it! I thought it was an overly simplified display of the peace-finding journey. But wow, this woman's message was SO good. One thing that hit me so hard (and even inspired my blog title!) was how not everyone has a passion and that's why she doesn't like to tell people to follow their passions. It is too much pressure to have to follow something that you have to be so interconnected with. She instead said to follow your curiosities. I LOVED THAT! That relieved so much pressure for me. After those two situations (with Brooke and the creative process and following curiosities), my mind has been going crazy with the stream of creative thoughts consistently flowing. I feel like there is no thought to silly to be proud of. I'm not acting on all of the creative ideas that pop into my mind, but it's such a liberating and exciting feeling to know that they are allowed to show themselves to me. One of the ideas that came to me while reading "The Happiness Project" was to create a family newsletter. I was so excited to reconnect with my Irish relatives and bring everyone together in this compilation of pictures and stories and updates and whatever else would be a fun addition. I couldn't sleep thinking about all the possibilities. The whole day at work, all I could think about was leaving work to call my dad and tell him about it. He has been very involved with the historical society and ancestry.com, so I thought this would be right up his ally. Wow, was I wrong! He was instantly enraged with the thoughts of how much he hated the DMs and Facebook and how no one would participate and he wouldn't want to read it anyway. My balloon completely burst. I was so crushed that my first creative expression was dismissed by someone I cared about so much. Since I knew this was something I wanted to do and I knew that I couldn't let my dad sway my opinion (after all the months of working through having feelings of self worth and not doing things just for the gold stars), I took a minute to let my dad finish venting and to get myself together. I said, "Jeez, you really know how to burst a bubble". He just laughed because I think he feels it's a fun, quirky part of his personality to have a temper and strong opinions. Then I said, "I excited about this all day, and you totally just took all the fun out of it". He said "Aww" with a little laugh. Then he tried to ask questions and pretend like he was supportive, but it turned into an uncomfortable conversation. But it didn't matter. I did something that I had never done before, and that was to tell me dad, to his face, that he hurt my feelings. I never wanted to do that before because I don't like other people to feel bad about making me feel bad. But I needed him to know. And, wow, did that ever lead to some feelings of power. I knew I had to do this newsletter, so a few days later, I Facebook messaged my cousins for their email addresses and was greeted with very welcoming responses to my idea. "AHHHH I LOVE IT" from Julieanne and a bunch of "Great idea! *email address to follow*". That was a really uplifting start. Then, a week later, I spent the whole night after work compiling the email with my idea and what I needed from the group to make it happen. *Send* Scary! What if no one responded? Oh well, it was ok! I already did what I needed to do. I put the idea out there and waited to see if the audience was ready for it. I got some responses from Basil and Audrey that were very supported and excited. Audrey was mostly excited to hear from me, I think. Then I got an email from Aubrey and Mary saying how they were so happy to hear from me, but would not be so into the newsletter. That was totally fine. I was so excited to hear from them and to revamp that flow of communication. When I shared my story with Brooke, she said, "I almost feel like I'm going to cry." Then she spoke, with slightly red and swollen eyes, in a way that made me feel like such a strong person, saying how my pushing through vulnerability for something I was drawn to was also creating a space for others to be creative in contemplating newsletter contributions. I couldn't believe that something I did evoked such an intense response from a woman so strong herself. I was just feeling great. I felt like there were no expectations of me and that was empowering me to do great things. I was walking with a bounce in my step, socializing more, and randomly smiling as I sat at my desk at work. How amazing. I also started going to the gym again about a month and a half ago. I do spinning at 5:45am Mon, Wed, Fri. It's been a perfect routine change and has added some extra energy to my life. Strangely, though, I haven't really lost any weight. That's not my goal, but it's usually just a natural side effect to going back to the gym. So, after listening to even more podcasts, I stumbled on an interview with JJ Virgin where she talked about the impacts of sugar and how it sneaks into so many things we never realized it did. I just bought her book last night, especially after a week of feeling so tired that I just came home and slept every day. I'm excited to start Cycle 1 of her diet (maybe tomorrow if I can read enough of the book today). I think tomorrow I'm starting "Cardio Tennis" with Brendan. He asked me if I wanted to do that with him as a Christmas present to me. I was super psyched because I love any opportunity to do anything with my brothers. And a healthy opportunity could not be better. Today I'm going to Philly with Dana for some Christmas fun and to see The Nutcracker. I can't wait. It's become a yearly tradition to see The Nutcracker, and I'm loving that. Year 1 was BAM, year 2 was NYCB, and now we're off to Philly for year 3. I've only been to Philly once, so it'll be great to go back just to see the city. Dana and I have had some bumps in our relationship the past year or 2, so that's still a work in progress. I feel like many life changes for both of us has made it difficult to assess where our friendship stands. But, I believe time will tell how it should continue and I'm just going to go with the flow now. JJ Virgin said to make the following checklists when starting her diet: 3 reasons I want to do the Virgin Diet: 1. To have more energy to be happy and make/reach goals 2. To be healthy and avoid pain and sickness; to feel strong 3. To fit into my clothes comfortably and walk around with greater confidence in how I look and feel 3 costs if I do not do the Virgin Diet: 1. Low energy will continue 2. Mood fluctuations will continue 3. I won't be able to reach my mental goals of moving around with world with purpose and strength I feel ready to take on the challenge of food. I want to be able to add this to my list of "non-negotiables". I know how much of an impact food has on your mind. I have just spent so many years trying to work on this struggle, and have had successful times. But I'm at a different point in my life and I need to figure out what works for me NOW, not 5 years ago. And that I shall do with the support of JJ. And I leave today's blog post with one of the most motivating quotes for me lately: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL? Wow, how powerful is that?