Yesterday was a very interesting and somewhat challenging day. It was my last day of work before my mini Christmas break and I was actually super productive and got everything done I needed to. I had a one-on-one with Rajae at the end of the day, which was motivating but also pretty harsh. I was talking about my role as supervisor and how there was a point where I felt like the group wasn't truly mine. That was his opportunity to tell me that he and Jeff were looking for a Senior Accountant, the position he had imagined me taking over, because I hadn't managed to take the control of my group that he had expected me to. He also pointed out how it didn't appear I had a good grasp of accounting. This was all a bit of a slap in the face, but it was all true what he was saying. He pulled up a spreadsheet of what he saw the department structure looking like. It was Raj, Senior Accountant, then me and Eva and Nicole, then four bank rec individuals. He said that he saw my role as a separate entity and that I was the only one who had a team underneath me. He listed my responsibilities, which included overseeing the banking area, relationship manager for all of our merchant services, AX implementation individual, and a few others. It was nice to see it on the screen, but it was hard to shake the blow of not moving into an accounting function. I told him my experience with going to an accelerated program and feeling like I had my mind erased when I graduated, followed by a few positions that didn't support my accounting knowledge. He said that that made total sense and that the company would most likely pay for some general accounting classes or some CPA exam expenses. This was pretty cool to hear. I was somewhat happy and somewhat freaked out. I still wasn't sure this was what I wanted. Should I really do this CPA route again? Maybe if I understand it better, I'll like the career more. Maybe I should follow through with it just to find out for sure. If I got this, it would be a total safety for career stability. Is it crazy that I'm kind of excited about this?
Well, after the meeting (and even during), I was definitely on the verge of tears. Lucky for me, I had a planned call with Martina because she remembered her first dream since our dream buddy project began. She explained her dream and how she could associate almost every part of it with something that was going on in her life. One topic she brought up was the feelings of failure she would experience every so often in relation to motherhood. I was so happy to be able to tell her how important it is to do the things that you enjoy and to have time for yourself as a mother. It's a positive environment for a child and healthy for the mother. I also told her how I use her as the bar for what a mother should be. She said, "Aww, Fiona, stop! You're going to inflate my ego too much!" Haha, and with that, I replied, "Good! You deserve it!"
We had such a great connection, better than I think we've ever had throughout our friendship. It's such an amazing thing. I told her about my conversation with Rajae. She said, "Wow, that's great! I'm so proud of you!" As difficult as it was to speak what happened in that meeting, it was equally lovely to have this support from my friend. Then we talked about our great journeys on this spiritual/yogic/herbalist/hippie roads. We've both had very visceral responses to how amazing we feel as we move forward on these paths. I brought up the glowing ball of heat in my chest again and she was really excited to be able to tell me that she loved that image and tried to imagine it for herself. That was very cool to hear.
After talking out loud with Martina, I made a connection that I thought was pretty neat. So after Brooke brought up the opening of my heart chakra, I was very intrigued thinking about the idea. I only realized after talking with Martina that I had just recently started exploring this world of assistance from a vocal coach to have a more powerful voice. It was like I subconsciously knew that my heart chakra was open enough to move onto the throat chakra. That was awesome to think about!
I was still a little stressed after I hung up the phone, so I bought a few bottles of wine for Christmas (and an extra for myself), ordered Chinese food, and came home to get drunk, eat crappy food, and watch Modern Family. Ah, drunk on wine is such a nice, fuzzy feeling. I drank almost the entire bottle by myself. Damn, that's nuts lol. But it felt great! I fell asleep hard and I was super silly when Dana came home. That wore off fairly quickly after she got off the phone with Chris and it seemed like she was letting him drive in their friendship and then after she seemed judgmental when I was talking about my dad and his view of success. I got a bit quiet and grumpy and just allowed myself to fall back to sleep in my drunken stupor.
Colin texted to ask if I would sleep over on Christmas Eve because the kids asked if I could. I couldn't pass that up. I figured that I could go Christmas Eve through noon on Christmas Day and then head over to Brendan's for the next 2 1/2 days and then head back to Colin's for dad's bday party.
Ok, time to go back to sleep.
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