I really gained a lot of clarity yesterday. I needed to muster up a little more strength before going into work yesterday because I was feeling unmotivated and knew I was headed into a day of "fixing" things, mostly things I messed up on or never followed through with. As I drove into work, I turned on my Women Ignite conference and chose Sean Corn's interview. I don't think I was really listening to it in order to connect to her words but more to hear her powerful voice. While she was speaking, I was thinking about the idea that had been racing through my mind for much of the week - Do I really want to be in this job? An accountant? Not that I had never asked myself that before, but on my journey to find my true self, I've been feeling like it was just wrong for me to be where I am, something that I am not truly invested in. I listed the pros and cons in my mind of being where I am.
Pros
- Monetary security - allows me to have the safety of maintaining my necessities of life, while also enjoying the things I like to do outside of work
- Coworkers - I really enjoy the people I'm surrounded by at work (in and out of the corporate office)
- I've experienced great motivation with working in teams, moving up to supervisor, and receiving a promotion Possibility of building a "career"
- Structured, stable schedule
Cons
- I have no connection with the field of Accounting
- I've been feeling a bit unstable with job security at HL, especially with Dave and Leon gone
- I might be staying where I am because of my dad (he paid for all my schooling and finds comfort in his life knowing I am secure)
Monetary security was definitely the part that struck me the most. I don't really need to worry about money with the job I have now. I could definitely stand to pay more attention to what I'm spending, but I don't need to be nervous about paying rent and bills and buying food. I also get to enjoy (in moderation) the things I like to do, like go on trips and experience the arts and try new things. If I switched careers, what would I do? How would I get there? I always come back to Speech Pathology, but that would require too much time and money and dedication to studying, which I don't think I could do at this point in my life. And the other things I have an interest in, like health and fitness, would give me challenges with getting more money, especially at the beginning. I would also have to motivate myself to create a structured schedule, which would not be easy.
So if switching careers wasn't the best option at the moment, how could I find more joy out of where I already am? Well, I have already experience periods of intense motivation at this job. What were the factors that gave me that energy? Connection. I liked to work with my teammates for the betterment of the whole. I liked the confidence I felt when I had a problem that needed fixing or something that needed attention and being able to walk swiftly, with my shoulders back and head high, to the desk of whoever I needed to speak with to get answers. I liked to be on top of my emails and phone calls and to do lists. I liked to be strong enough to allow people to feel comfortable with coming to me for questions and knowing that they will get the help they need. I like to be approachable and a leader that my team can trust. With all of these things in mind, yesterday was a much more confident day at work for me.
Counseling
My session with Brooke was very motivating yesterday, as it typically is. She was happy and touched to receive a present from me. I told her it was small (an ornament I made), but she was a really important part of my year, so...yeah. I could definitely feel that I was a bit emotionless. I guess because I don't want people to feel like they need to overly thank me for a small gesture or that I care too much.
But I was talking about my week at work, my connection with Dana after she spoke to me about Chris, and Martina's "dream buddy" idea. I talked about how I was overdoing it a bit with the podcasts to the point where I felt I wasn't connecting too much with each story and letting the words sink in. This week I started relistening to the speakers I did connect with fully the first time. She asked me what the concepts were that I connected with. I hesitated because there are a handful of very powerful messages and mindsets that have struck a chord with me. But I came out with "finding your truth". I LOVE that message and it's been an important goal for me the past few months. I haven't been working hard to achieve this, but instead have been allowing a free flow of thinking and following through with things (like the newsletter) without questioning as much what other people will think about my idea. This led Brooke to a creative activity. I think she called it the "lady box". Everything in the box is what the outside world sees you as. Everything outside the box is the characteristics that are part of who you really are, but what others don't see you as.
This was such a great exercise. It was such a clear way of putting to paper what I was really trying to achieve. Brooke was asking me if I was comfortable with the things outside the box and who in my life would be a challenge for me to accept those parts of my true self. Excellent!
I started talking about how I feel physically different on this path of finding my true self than I did before. I have been motivated throughout different periods of my life, but it is so much more than that now. I was saying how I feel like I have this glowing ball of heat in my chest. (I did open up with "this is kinda weird" lol). But that heat just feels like an expanding ball of love. God, I really am a cheeseball! LOL. She pointed out the chakra system and how it was like I was opening up that heart chakra. Wow, I didn't think about that! She's so right! I was so into that idea. It also made me connect to the time when I was so closed off and uncomfortable and had extreme tightness in my chest to the point where I felt like I was having breathing problems (and subsequently had Robbie stick tons of needles in my chest to fix it. I was totally psyched to think about it that way.
I kinda want to get a heart chakra necklace now. Hmmm...
I also mentioned my new habit it talking with my hands and how I spoke with Q about the confidence and clarity that led me to doing that. Brooke gave me the name "Antonin Chekov" who talked about the idea that creating a certain movement with your hands helped to pull the words out of you. I thought that was great, so I will have to look him up.
I still had a lot of energy after counseling (especially after having clear sinuses for the past two days), so I called Dana to see if she wanted to get dinner or go to Edgewater or the city. She already ordered dinner, but was open to going out as well. We ended up staying in, but it was nice. The dogs were over, so we had some takeout, then hot chocolate, and watched "Just Friends" and some of the Royal Opera House version of the Nutcracker (until falling asleep). (That one is my favorite by far. I have to watch it again when I'm not falling asleep. It was the first time in a while that I felt like I could be myself and enjoy the time enough to laugh about my friends and the day with Dana. But it was really cool.
Newsletter
David just sent me pictures and videos of his family today for the newsletter. I have very rarely heard his name tossed around, so I wasn't even sure who was emailing me when I saw "Dave" in my inbox. But apparently he's married and has two kids. It's crazy to me that I don't know these things. But I will find it all out in the process of doing this newsletter! This gave me an extra boost of excitement for the letter. David said he would take some pictures of his parents over Christmas, too. I was so psyched to hear that because I have the least amount of info and connection about those two. I will have to do another outreach to the family over the next week or so, but I definitely have enough material to get through the first letter. Very cool.
Food
B: blueberry, pineapple smoothie
L: Subway chicken salad with veggies and oil and vinegar (not overly satisfying)
D: sesame chicken dinner, spring roll (which I didn't order, but they put in the bag and then I wanted one), one dumpling in my soup bc i was too full to eat the rest, 1 beer
S: mint hot chocolate with coconut milk
I splurged with dinner last night. I just really wanted to give in to relaxing and celebrating the week and my happiness and a night in with Dana and the pups and Christmas coming and sinus pressure gone. It just felt right. I'll have to come up with a plan for how I'm going to eat when I'm out with Dana and then Q and Lisa for my lunch and dinner out today. Looking forward to seeing everyone though! That reminds me. Should I be getting something for Q and Lisa for Christmas? I keep thinking about getting picture frames for all of us to stick in the pics of the 3 of us with our scared faces. But I don't think that's something Lisa wants in her house with her hubby now. Sheesh, why is gifting so complicated? Maybe I'll try those homemade ornaments.
Dreams
Just two quick dreams:
Hawaii - Kristine and I randomly went on a trip to Hawaii and sat my the amazingly beautiful water for the day. I had told Kristine my dream to, spur of the moment, get on a plane and fly somewhere fun. In the dream, I bailed on work and did just that. I think, because she's having a bit of a midlife crisis, she felt like a good person to go with. That would actually be completely awesome. Let's do it! LOL
Moving up to Senior Accountant - Don't really remember much about this, but I remember seeing Rajae pointing out my name on a roster with a smile on his face. It said "Senior Accountant" next to my name. Hmmm, is this really in my subconscious? Interesting. Wow, long post today. But I'm feeling very inspired by my support system and wanted to get it all written down. Aaaah, the weekend.
I shared these dreams with Martina, and I want to post her response to this because I loved it:
Omg that dream sounds AMAZING!! I think that is how we are supposed to live life, not constantly worrying about why you can't go places that you want to go to and having to PLAN everything ugh!! I'm so not the spontaneous type either but I'm just sick of the idea of being bound by things/circumstances. At first I thought you wrote that that was your cue to LEAVE the profession. Then I saw the not. But I was thinking how cool is that, your dream self got a promotion BECAUSE you were true to yourself and did something you really wanted to do without getting bogged down by all the extraneous circumstances!! Either way, because you did what you wanted, it seems like everyone, even at your job, respected you a bit more!
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